Her Majesty

A state of disbelief, in a happy way :)

2010-09-03T20:34:00.006+08:00

I truly cannot believe my daughter has grown up so much. Its gonna be 11 months really soon and I really have no idea how all these months went past me. She is almost walking, she is talking, she dances, she claps, she shows her love, she knows exactly what she wants and she knows exactly how to get it. She is just amazing, a perfect angel. :)

I have gotten so used to making more and more new friends thanks to Little One. In just less than 11 months, she has sure made friends with half the world. And that's why, I am gonna have a huge headache doing up the guest list for her bday. If the venue can accommodate the entire world, I would definitely invite every single person who has been part of her life in one way or another. I am going crazy here with all the preparations. So much to do. And this desperate want, to have everything be perfect is not making it all any easier. Anyhow, I really cannot wait for the day to come. My Little One's Golden 1st. :) :)

And especially, at this point of time, I really don't know what I would do without you. I have managed to refrain myself from blogging about you all these time. But this time, you truly deserve it. With everything that is going on, I am not sure if I would have been able to manage it all this time, without you being around. You must be godsend, to have everything I never thought I will see again and for it to have even begun in the only way I always wanted it to. And there are times, I still cannot bring myself to believe this is happening for real. That I could have been so lucky. And that's why, I will say it again, God loves me so much, and more than that, he loves her too too much. You know. :)

I really wished I could buy time. So much to do in so little time always. And I really have to stop compromising on my rest and sleep because of everything else.

To you.I know you are not alright. And I feel terrible I cant make you feel better. It wont make anymore sense if I were to still stick around.There will come a day I will have to apologise to you, I am not sure if I will even be given that chance to do so, so I am saying it now. I am sorry that its gonna break you so badly. This is something I just cannot let go off, not for you, not for anyone, not for anything. I am sorry.

And to you. I am beginning to wonder why you even came back. It doesn't make sense. You don seem to be interested half the time. Its not like we need you here desperately either. I dunno. And it makes it all the more harder for me to be patient with you and welcome you wholeheartedly when I get to see everyday what you should be doing, being done by someone else, in a rather perfect way. I just hope and pray you will make the best out of this and someday, manage to find yourself back.

Okie, I gtg settle the draft for the invitations and decide on the places to go for cake-hunting tom! Will be back, hopefully soon enough. :)

Welcome Back. :)

2010-07-23T23:43:00.003+08:00

Morning shift tom. Its close to midnight. Yet, here I am blogging away. Ok but this time, I really need to. Seem to have lots going on currently and as usual, no one that interesting enough to talk to, ok ya except you I guess, and thank God for you, for everything you are. Really. :)

Anyways, what a month it has been. Seriously. Mainly, I would call it a month of making-up. I think I can get a record for the number of people I made up with this month. Loved ones who just decided to take off for no reason, best friends who decided to just vanish all of a sudden,childhood friends I never thot I would ever have contact with again, enemies who have spouted poisonous words, and the person I never imagined I will have a need to address as, My Friend, a good friend at that, one fine day. And just so you know, I completed that sentence with a huge fat sigh.

For the loved one, you have no damn idea how overjoyed I am that everything is so well between us now. I wont say its back to where it was, cos I just know that its gonna be better than ever. I missed you so badly, and I know you did too very much. I never had someone in the position you play in my life. A relation I always wanted in fact. Someone to look after, someone to love and scold, someone to care and protect, someone to have great fun and serious sessions with, someone to be there for and will be there for me, and now us, always. More than anything, as I have said before, Little One needs you. Very much. I am dependent on you for this dearest. And I am so glad you are finally back and everything is gonna go great..My Trumpet. Love you. Sundayyy! :)

For the best friend. Ironic that it was called best friendship, yet you vanished just by saying you will explain to me soon. When I finally heard from you again, I was soooo happy and you know it. Somehow, I am wishing now you didnt come back, you didn't explain your disappearance, you didn't make me discover the ugly truth. Sadly, it has changed things bet us and you know, I know, its never gonna be the same again. I guess I will forgive you eventually, but the closeness we had, its gone. And in your case, I am sad you came back.

Haiyz. And you. I don't know. I really don't know how good, or bad this is gonna be. I forsee lots of bad more than good actually. I gave you my word that I will have your back, with others. There will be lots to be said, lots of questions asked, lots of skepticism, lots of gossips and lots of everything that isn't really good. And during all these, I promise to stand beside you and face it all with you, and even fight for you, if necessary. Solely for her. But one thing I cannot, and will never be able to do, is to do all these sincerely, expecting you to keep up to your word. In fact, I am having absolutely no expectations, and I am gonna go on every single day fighting that urge to expect something great out of this, until I see concrete signs. My only, and only reason to even do this, is to salvage anymore damage it can already bring without it happening at all in the first place. After all these months, many things have happened to convince me enough that a little bit of you, even if its just tiny weeny, bad or painful, is better than nothing of you. So ya, here you are. I hope you will make the best out of it.

okkk. I reallyyyy need to get some sleep now! I havent touched on the plans made for end of this year! Oh and for 1 years old! So excited. I will leave that for next time!

Btw, Little One 9 months and 1 week old! Busy crawling around and standing up! Love you baby. :)

Oh! And pamster admitted in my ward! So cool, under my care and getting royal treatment cos she is Staff Nurse Shamala's sister! Hehehe. Get well soon my dear! :)

Nitey nite!

Thankful

2010-07-13T20:00:00.002+08:00

Yes, things go wrong in life. But more often than not, we fail to realise that these things do bring about some good somewhere, someday. And right now, I am earnestly thankful to God for showing me time and again how the things that went wrong in my life, are actually being my learning guide to finding my way to a happy and contented life.

I am thankful that my childhood was never, that really peaceful. I am thankful, that I knew how it feels to be from a broken family. I am thankful, I know how painful it is not be able to live with a parent, when you so badly want to. I am thankful I know how frustrating it was when my parents couldn't get along or have a cordial relationship just for our peace, if not for theirs. I am thankful I know how much it sucks, to call someone else your parent when they are not.

I am thankful I realised how dangerous it can be when you become so dependent on someone. I am thankful I am able to shake everyone off and stand on my own feet, by hook or crook. I am thankful I have learnt how unappreciated it is to be honest. I am thankful I have learnt to shut my mouth and let people think and say what they want. I am thankful I know how much it could backfire when you put all your trust on one person. I am thankful I know how painful it can get when you love someone too much, especially when they don't deserve that love.

I am thankful that You kept me so happy at one point of time. I am thankful that right now, You don't seem to be able to do that anymore. I am thankful that You were a totally different person then. I am thankful that I don't see that person in You anymore. I am thankful, that I am someone who is able to forgive, You. At the same time, I am thankful that I am not that nice of a person, to forgive You entirely.

Because, in each and every one of these, I am thankful that I have learnt how to give the best, for my Little One.

Backsss!

2010-06-06T00:27:00.004+08:00

I realised today, that good education is one of the most valuable thing you can possess in your life. It gives you prospect and in a way, forces people to treat you with respect. It gives you a good job, a good image and a good reputation in the society. And today, I thank God that I have a cert in my hand that allows me to have a decent, respectful and professional career.

I accompanied my friends for a part time banquet job today. And I was really appalled by the way the managers, and even some of the guests, treated us. Literally, like slaves. It was such a different environment and treatment from being a staff nurse, and I really couldn't get use to it. Frankly, I felt so insulted. I have seen people going, "Wow, I am so proud of you and I salute you for the career you have chosen." And here I was, being shouted at rudely, ordered around and treated so unfairly.

I am not sure if I will ever do it again, but nevertheless, it was a good opportunity for me to reflect on how important and valuable education and a good career is, in life.

Anyways.

I can't really think of a single good reason why I haven't updated for the past, I think 3 months? So ya, don't ask either. Let me just give a few updates, and hopefully, despite all the many many things that have happened, I am able to make this as brief as possible.

The last time, I said she turned 5 months rite? Haha, Ms Adrielle Vinesha will be turning 8 months this coming 16th. Time flies ah? She is now bigger, smarter and of cos, much naughtier. Yes she is! She can be so cheeky, like for example, she knows she shouldn't be putting weird things into her mouth, and yet, she will take it slyly, look at us from the corner of her eye, and slowly put it in her mouth with a really cheeky smile! And when we say, "Nooooooo!" she throws the thing down and starts wailing away without any tears! Soooooo noty! :) :) But omg, she is so clever! To think that she knows so much at this age itself. She has two tiny weeny front teeth and she is beginning to crawl. And the very latest development, she reaches out her hands to us asking us to carry her. Always! :) :)

And yes, looks like she really didn't take after me in the looks. Then again, I heard that babies look like their fathers in the beginning stage cos that's how fathers bond with their child. And after a few years, it will go off. So lets see. Adrielle, lets hope its true, cos I am much better looking. Heh Heh. :)

4 more months before she celebrates her very first bday! I have started my planningsss, but I am still choosing between a nice ballroom or a huge huge chalet... I cant figure out which is more worth. Hmmm.

Oh yes, the last time I blogged, I haven't started working rite? Haha. Ok, big big big shock. I didn't get any of the choice of departments I requested for. Instead, I got a cardio/respi ward. Its all abt the heart and the lungs. Topics that never, ever caught my interest one bit. So ya, as you can imagine, I was on the verge of tears on my first day when I found out this. But now, after 2 months of working there, I decided, it isn't really that bad after all. Its a serious discipline, more admirable and I really get to learn so much. So ya, here I am! and if you are wondering why I am working part time, no its not cos I am psycho or anything like that. My roster is just funny this 2 weeks, I have 4 days of leave at one go and then I work for 11 days straight! Apparently, I heard its normal. So ya, I decided to make use of my 4 days! :)

Did I ever mantion how amazing God is? He plays around in your life in such a way where no matter how much of hide-and-seek you play with Him, you eventually end up just running back to him, thanking him for everything again and again. Thank you Lord, for letting me watch the way you do your wonders in everybody's lives, every single day. Simply amazing. And I love you very much. :)

You know what is the best and most joyous part of my tiring days? Its whenever I come back home from work, and my darling daughter starts to jump up and down laughing away really loudly the moment she sees me, and when I get closer, she literally jumps onto me, holding on to me really tightly. And if I don't carry her and walk away after seeing her, she starts to scream and cry really loudly, this time with tears dropping all over. Such love, and the feel of such dear moments, just cannot be described with simple words. :)

When someone you love very much becomes everything to you, being the centre of your life, your life itself, becomes beautiful instantly. Because, everything you do, you do it for them, and nothing is something you have to do, but WANT to do. :)

Happyyyyy! :)

2010-03-30T00:54:00.006+08:00

Little One's latest speech is, "Ta-ta-teh-ta-ti."

:) :)

I don't think I have ever felt more better about myself than this. I feel great. Almost everything is so settled in life. No complications, no hiccups, no major probs. Everything is so calm and fine. I have completed my diploma, I am starting my job, I am financially stable, I have a beautiful daughter to love, I have great friends, loving family & relatives and alsoooo, I have lost weight!Hehehe. I feel so good. :)

I collected my uniforms and shoes last week. The feeling was so overwhelming. Somehow, the uniform looked grand. Haha. I guess its just psychological. It fitted so well, and I know I look good in it. When I wore it at home and paraded in front of everyone, they were all giving that "oh my!" expression. HEHE. Anyway, I really love my uniform! :)

I am truly amazed by my Little One's charisma. She seriously attracts too much of attention. Like even from strangers in public. The other day, when we went to get the high chair at Compasspoint, I was standing outside a shop with the pram and looking at stuff. After awhile, there was like a mini crowd gathered at the pram playing with her! I was so shocked! Haha. Thats why I say, God loves her too much cos He has been doing just too much for her from the very beginning. And I seriously cant count the number of strangers who have become friends, good friends with me thanks to my dearest baby. :) :)

I have come to believe in karma. We reap what we sow. We will pay for our sins somehow, and be rewarded for our good deeds in someway.

And in your case, I wished, I really wished, I didn't have to pay for it.

To that one person who can change the remainders to perfect bliss, I am sorry, and, I love you. :)

I am soooo excited for Monday, but for now, I am excited for tom. :)

"Ta-ta-teh-ta-ti." :)

***

2010-03-22T23:18:00.003+08:00

I am in quite a happy mood right now. :) Sometimes I wonder if I have bipolar disorder. Hehehe. But then again, with my Little One, its always happy happy happy. She just has the magic in her to set things right somehow. :)

So yes, I kinda had a horrible Sat. Started off with a big fight with someone.. And then, a chaotic evening that has almost ended an important friendship, I think, and a night that just made me feel lousy head to toe. And then, as usual, Sunday was just a day full of reflections and trying to find possible reasons for all these and just somehow making myself feel better. Well, sadly, it didn't work this time.

Not until just awhile ago, when my dear Little One suddenly got into a really happy and playful mood and started laughing out loud at every single thing!Like really, "Heh Heh Heh!" It was the loudest laughter ever from her! We were just staring in awe. And immediately, everything seemed better! I cant describe the feeling I get each time she does something new. Its just so fascinating. Just like how it was in the video I uploaded of her sitting all on her own for the very first time. :) :)

And then Vaissh called to say she and Hemma are coming to visit on Wed. So long since I saw them the last! So excited. :)

And yes, its really amazing how from family and friends to strangers and enemies, everyone is crazy about my Little One. And thanks to this, the fact that, just that one person isn't, doesn't seem to matter at all. :)

Lots of expenses next month. I am starting solids once she is 6 months. So, gotta get so many stuff for that like the high chair and solid foods and ingredients. And then I gotta sew her suit for her 6th month :) And work is starting soon. And then yes, the normal survival expenses for both me and her. Hmm. :)

Humans are really great pretenders. Including myself. I wonder how we do it. Pretending to be happy or sad, pretending to be angry or cool, pretending to be a good friend, pretending to be in love, and many more. I guess there is always an objective to our pretence. I don't think anyone does it for fun. Cos it takes an effort to even pretend. There must be something we wanna achieve, or get from it. Pretending isn't the issue, its that something that we want. It shouldnt be a bad one. Cos then, its wrong. As for me, I know my pretence are for nothing wrong. If something good comes out of this pretence, why not? :)

My helper's name is Myenavathi. :) She has two daughters and their names are Aananthakanni and Ithayakanni. She has one grandson and his name is, Neethibathi. :D

And the best part is, today she came to me and told me in tamil, " I have a new name for your daughter! My own name for her!" And when I asked what, she said, " Inbakanni". :O :O

Hahaha. I like her. She is nice. I think I can say we have had a million of helpers, and very few of them leave happy memories in my heart. And I am quite sure, Myena will be one of them. Not for anything but just for the way she takes care of Little One. :)

So yes, I finally made up my mind after thinking for months. I like the way it is, at the very least, I feel much much more secured this way. And thats why, I have decided on that too. My options look good, so why not? Especially since, most importantly, it benefits her :) You can start counting your days my dear. People who do wrong things, don't remain happy forever. Somehow, we will always have to pay for it, in one way or another. ;)

I have already gotten the best ever in this. I am not settling for anything lesser than what has been the best. If you really want it, beat the best. ;)

I know. No I am not fickle, I just contradict. :)

My Intelligent Daughter :D

2010-03-18T10:59:00.005+08:00

From BabyCenter.com :)

Child's Age

Mastered Skills (most kids can do)

Emerging Skills (half of kids can do)

Advanced Skills
(a few
kids
can do)

5 months

• Distinguishes between bold colors
• Plays with his hands and feet

• Recognizes own name
• Turns toward new sounds
• Rolls over in both directions

• Sits momentarily without
support
• Mouths
objects
• Separation anxiety
may
begin

6 months

• Turns toward sounds and voices
• Imitates sounds
• Rolls over in both directions

• Is ready for solid foods
• Sits without support
• Mouths objects
• Passes objects from hand to hand

• Lunges forward
or starts crawling
• Jabbers or combines syllables
• Drags
objects
toward
himself

Little One 5 months! :)

2010-03-16T01:42:00.005+08:00

My little sweetheart has turned 5 months old! Just 1 more month to be half a year old! My god! She looks so grown now. She was all tiny when she was born. I still remember. So active, looking around, carefully examining the world. And now, she is all fat, long, noisy and beautiful than ever. And btw, from what I have observed so far, I can already see that she has a temper and she is extremely extremely stubborn. And I am not surprised. I have to think of strategies to successfully nip it in the bud. Hmmm. Plus, she chooses her people carefully. She is not gonna be an easy one. You wanna place in her heart, you gotta earn it. And yes, just 5 months, and I already know all these. She is definitely gonna be one interesting character. That I know for a fact. Love you so much baby. :)

I think I wanna sew her first traditional suit at 6 months. It has to be uniquely gorgeous. I shall start hunting for a nice material and good tailoring place. :)

I always knew I was a 'fightercock'. And I realised, when it comes to Little One, I am to the extreme. I will never forget the polyclinic incident that happened recently. It made me realise a lot. One small blunder on their service part, and I brought it up all the way to MOH. And the next time we went there, Little One received royal treatment. Really. And that made me realise, I am not gonna be easy when it comes to her. You mess with her and her needs, you are dead. ;D

On the other hand, I always thought I was a very possessive person too. I get jealous easily and I demand a lot of attention, only for me. But that has drastically changed. Now, I can’t be bothered one bit. If I were to have a partner now, I don’t think it would affect me much if he doesn’t call for days. So ya, on that part, you can say he is lucky. :D

In life, everyday and everything is a learning process. And by saying that, I must say I have learnt lots. Some lessons are good, some lessons are sad. I don’t know if there is a right and wrong to what we learn from something that happens to us. We are all different people and we have different perceptions. From whatever life has given me, this is what I have learnt. It may be wrong to you, but this is me. I am not happy saying it either, and I know how much it frustrates you. But, you haven’t given me anything else to say either. Maybe if you have, I could have made an exception for you. But you didn’t, and that makes all the difference. So don’t blame me. I am frustrated too.

I think humans are extraordinary. Recently, I have started observing characters and behaviour more than ever. And some people are just so different. I am not sure if abnormal and weird are right words to use, but they are just so different. God is truly amazing. I wonder how he can make so many many many many of us so differently. There is really no limit to his creativity, and that is so incredible.

I am glad I fear God. I truly fear his wrath. I am not sure if I can say I have seen it, but I do know what happens when you don’t obey him. It can be horrendous. I am not perfect. I still make mistakes. But I still have that fear, that fear when I wonder how God is gonna punish me when I do something against his word. And that, I believe, will always be a drive to stop whatever bad you are doing. It has been bugging me that I haven’t sacrificed anything for lent. And now I have decided on two things, both are so extremely hard. But I know it upsets Him when I do it. So, with lots of prayer and lots of self-control, I hope to make it. Help me in here Lord. And I love you lots. :)

I love my friends. All of them. The support they show me, it’s amazing. And I am quite sure I wouldn’t have been able to come this far without them. Especially to those who know me so well and know exactly what I need and being there to do it for me. Apart from Adrielle, the only other reason why I am still able to go on strong and fine, is you people. Thank you so much guys. Love you lots. :)

Lastly, before I go off, one for you. Thank you for giving me the maximum of what anyone could have possibly gotten from this. It may not have lasted, or even lasted long, but it happened and I am glad it did. It’s enough, to sustain what is left of me. :)

***

Happy Birthday Sri! Our friendship goes a long way back and you know there's lots we have gone through together. Thank you for being a great friend and someone very special in my life. I know things are not very smooth right now, but I hope you have a blast and that all your goals and dreams will come true soon. God Bless ya. :)

Out.

2010-03-09T21:00:00.005+08:00

Sometimes, I wonder how things came to this state. When I look back at all these years I have known you, almost my entire life, I can only see hurt, anger, sorrow, betrayal and pain. And I wonder why is that so. Everytime I say to myself that I hate you, I tell myself it isn't true. How can I possibly hate you? You are someone I shouldn't hate, right? You are someone who should be having the 'strongest love' for me and vice-versa right? You are someone, who should be the best for me.

HATE- to dislike intensely or passionately; feel extreme aversion for or extreme hostility toward; detest
Hate is strong. Really strong. Is that really the only thing I feel towards you? Somehow, I cannot bring myself to confirm that it is hate. Cos it shouldn't be. I have tried to love you before. I tried all these years. But I couldn't even come close to liking you. I tried pretending to love you. And you didn't allow me to do even that. You made it all so terrible, that I wasn't even able to maintain the facade.

All these years, I kept telling myself time will change everything and heal all wounds. I kept telling myself that one day, I will appreciate and love you with all my heart and things will be perfect. That one day, we will be able to look back at all the shit, and be able to laugh about it and put it behind us. But now, I am tired. I am tired of waiting for things to be better. I am tired of giving us a chance. I am tired, of wanting to be best friends with you. I am just tired, of you.

I wondered why, many others who have done more wrong to me, have a higher stand in my life than you. Then I realised its because, though I may be unhappy with what they did to me, there were still good in them and happy memories when I look back. But with you, not only I don't remember a single moment I was truly and whole-heartedly happy, but there wasn't even one moment, I remember you being a good person. You don't have values, you don't have respect, you don't have a conscience, you don't have a good heart.

And the best part to everything, or rather, the last straw to this whole shit, is the irony of YOU, amongst all the other people in my life, reminding me the pain of my situation EVERY single day. People say I should get the most support from you. But, it has always been the other way round, from the very start, from Day 1. And for this one thing, I will never be able to forgive you.

It has been just me all these years. I was able to wait. I was able to tolerate. I was able to take all the fucking pain. But now, it isn't just me anymore. I have someone to live for and be a good role-model to. And you know it yourself, I want nothing but ONLY the best for her. And you are nowhere amongst the best or even close to it. There is no way, I am gonna take this risk and allow you to make my daughter feel every way you made me feel. Neither am I able to wait for you to change anymore.

I have given up. I am calling it quits. I want you out.

You.

2010-03-02T23:39:00.002+08:00

Hating you has become my pastime.
Blaming you has become my solution.
I want this to end.
I want You to end.

Please, go away.

The Next Chapter, Stage, Phase begins

2010-03-01T00:12:00.006+08:00

FINALLY! An end to my entire student life. No not that I have been waiting for school life to come to an end, hell no. Just that, an end to student life means, I have gone past PRCP, and I survived. My god, it was a real torture. They were not kidding when they say no one escapes PRCP without any tears. Good riddance to ugly NYP nursing uniform. :D

Graduation is on May 18th, but I start work on Apr 5th itself. As a Staff Nurse, officially. :) 3 years flew just like that. I still rem my first day at NYP. My orientation day. I was loud, dumb, childish, carefree, ignorant, rebellious and very very much outgoing. And I must say, my poly time, is one phase that brought upon the most number of changes in me. I wish I can go back to the first day. Arrrrgggghhhh.

Anyways, we got to choose again where we would like to work. I had a hard time choosing. I wanted every bit of extra money I could possibly get, and at the same time, I wanna work at a department I love. In TTSH, cdc( Communicable Disease Centre) pays the most, as there are risk allowances and all, plus the workload is quite light too. But I was not even one bit interested in that and furthermore, its so risky, esp to have a baby and work at such places. And the ward, workload so heavy, yet the least pay. But my interest, the highest there. So I thought and thought and thought. Eventually, I chose Operation Theatre. I loved OT nursing, and there will be extra money cos its specialised. Just that, there won't be any patient care. My 2nd choice is my own PRCP ward. Psychiatric nursing. Like I said before, slightly lesser pay and heavier workload, but something I have more love for. And my 3rd choice was CDC, just for the money part. I will know on Apr 5th which department I will be posted to. Lets see then. :)

And so, finally, I can spend some good good GOOD time with my little darling. And oh yessss, she turned 4 months last 16th. :) :) She is not that good at her turning over yet, but she already wants to start crawling and sitting up. Sometimes, she holds our hands, balances on them and tries to pull herself up! In anycase, she loooovvveeessss to sit. Whenever we make her sit, she gives us a huge fat grin! I always tell pamster she is weird just like her. HEHE. I bought her, her very first jeans and a denim skirt. Haha, they are so cute on her. She grows by the minute. In 2 weeks, she will be 5 months! Oh myyyyy!

I am still thinking of a good location for a holiday. I have to think of somewhere convenient enough for Little One's needs. Hmmm.

It sucks to love someone who isn't yours. I know how it feels. And I really wish I can help you in someway.

It also sucks to be with someone you are not in love with. I know how it feels too and I wish I can help you there too.

I hate to just watch my friends go through such stuff, and not be able to do a thing.

I am not a feminist, but I believe men are the afterlife of demons and monsters.

I wanted to say alot, but I am already dozing off. I think this is enough for now. Nitey nitey :)

Oh btw, did I mention? Adrielle Vinesha, is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my whole life. ;)

The Perfect Ending.

2010-02-10T06:03:00.005+08:00

Its one of those days, and I am in one those moods.

Its 6 in the morning. I came back home from morning shift yest, played with Little one for awhile, and then around 7, we both fell asleep, woke up whenever she was hungry, feed her and go back to sleep. All the way till 3am. And then I woke up, wondered what the time was and what happened to night. And then couldn't go back to sleep, so changed Little One into her pyjamas, made a new bottle of milk, snuggled into bed again, this time with my book and a glass of choc milk.

I finished the book, and now, my thoughts are all over the place.

I don't know if its the book, or me, or just the way it resembles my life in so many ways.

Life is a routine once again, of cos, excluding the little surprises Little One throws unto me every other day. Like the other day, I was wriggling my finger right in front of her face, and for awhile, she was just staring at it and laughing now and then, thinking it was a toy. And then suddenly, her hands reached towards my finger, and slowly, little by little, she grabbed my finger! And then I gave out a loud exclamation and knowing that she has done something amusing, she got so thrilled and started chuckling, like literally with chuckle sounds and all! My god, I almost cried watching that. Gifted moments, I would say. :)

Family. I always liked the sound of it. I loved seeing happy and united families. I have always felt, that the root to a strong foundation in everyone's lives, is a good, happy, united and strong family spirit. Family times, outings, dinners together, praying together, waking up in the morning on a off day and planning what to do for the day as a family, cleaning up together, coming up with last minute picnic plans, snuggling in one bed all together once in awhile and many many more. These are things I have dreamt about almost all the time when I was younger. And because of that, despite everything that has happened, a perfect family and a perfect home, is still one of the main priorities in my 'God, Grant These For Me' list.

And I still wonder, if that perfect ending only happens in storybooks.

"If two people were right for each other, a truer kind of love would last forever in its wake."

The twist.

2010-01-31T01:00:00.006+08:00

I am literally just dragging myself to work everyday. Now I am wishing I had some 8 to 5 weekdays job. So anyway, it seems, minus the PHs, there are only about 17 more days to gooo! Yay! I cant wait for March! I am still wondering where to travel. Was suppose to go to India(Bangalore) with Pamster. But now I don't think its will be that convenient for Little One. So we are thinking of cruise.. Hmmm...Anywhere laaaaaa. I just wanna go away with her for sometime!

I have a treat to the Universal Studios as a early birthday present..Haha. Yes, I know its a way too early birthday present. But who cares, its a great gift. Can't wait! ;)

I have no idea what I did to you, but if you wanna go on acting this childish, suit yourself. If at all, I just feel sorry for you. Very sorry, for being so smart, yet so dumb. I am just laughing here. And just so you know, I am not laughing alone, stupid laughing stock. Heh.

I decided to get my driving completed Mar onwards. Will be more free then. Hmm. Finally.

To every happy ending, there will always be a twist. I guess this is our twist. Let see where and how it ends. Hopefully, in a good way. Not just you and me, but I am sure this is what everyone wants, wishes and hopes for us. And I know that for a fact. There must be a reason, for it all to be this way. There must be.

After soooo long, I finally collected the naming ceremony cd! But the stupid cameraman accidentally labelled it as, "Adrielle Vinesha's 1 year old birthday celebration"! Wth. What was he thinking! Anyway, I haven't watched it. Decided to get it changed first. Can't wait to!

I want to be the kind of parent who is able to readily pay for her kid's driving license and uni fees.

And I will be.

To fall asleep, with your heartbeat as my lullaby..what more? ;)

இன்னும் என்னை என்ன செய்ய போகிறாய்?

2010-01-30T03:32:00.005+08:00

Its ironic how sometimes, we only think and miss the people who have hurt us the most. Then again, I guess hurt only comes when there is too much love involved. And there was.

Yesterday, I was admiring my little one sleeping very soundly, for a good 2 hours. And the feeling was just magical. Every part of her is just perfect. Her long lashes, her very pinkish and shapy lips, her big beautiful eyes that aren't exactly black or brown but in between, her chubby cheeks, her smooth and fair complexion and everything else! In that 2 hours, everything felt so perfect. Everything was just colourful in my world.

I judge mothers who club. I am not interested to do it. Stop asking me to.

I wonder if its just me or all new parents are this paranoid about everything. I have to stop this, at least before she grows up, or she will just get annoyed with me.

After much thinking, I have realised and decided, its alright if you are never able to be in love, cos just ending up loving and caring, is enough to sustain anything forever.

I seriously can't wait to get all settled, in all ways.

And, I miss you. And I am still wondering why I do.

With much Love.

2010-01-21T23:32:00.003+08:00

"My child, you're a miracle borrowed from another world. Like the breath inside of me, you will stay a part of me.You taught me the love that I never knew. You made me realize the things that the world has let me forget. In you, I discover so much of life and the preciousness of love. You are the reason I have been kept on my knees & I could never thank you enough for giving me a reason to believe." ~ Natalia Visagie

There is no way I can describe how much I love you in simple words.

You make me wanna go on breathing, literally.

I strive to give you the best of life every single day, and nothing is gonna stop me from doing that, ever.

Thank you, for making me wanna live my life.

I love you, Little One.

This is why.

2010-01-17T04:41:00.004+08:00

http://www.massmediamail.com/durarealidad/

And if you really have a heart, you will shut the fuck up after this.

Little One 3 months old! :)

2010-01-16T01:17:00.002+08:00

My sweet little princess is officially 3 months old!:) :) My god..time seriously flies. 3 months! Her head is up, she is babbling away non stop, she knows my face, my voice and my smell and she is constantly smiling and laughing. She is such an angel. Seriously. Happy 3 months darling. :)

And God, thank you. For every single thing, especially her.

***

Its been so long since I updated. No mood, no time. But that doesn't mean 2010 has been quiet. Hell no. Even new year day itself started with a loud bang for me. And after the first day, I concluded that 2010 is gonna be year of tests. Like seriously. Hmmm.

So, I started night shift this week. I must say, I loved it. Ya, a little tiring. Esp the 2nd night. But I think it was only because I wasn't used to it. Cos otherwise, it was so slack. And so peaceful. And the best part is, I get to spend much much more time at home! So gimme more nights! :)

I am really angry and tired of having to work with nurses who have no sense of patient care. I mean- why nursing then?Might as well quit and go do something else. We didn't join nursing to nurse our case notes or our reports. Patients come to hospitals depending on people like us. They trust us. Its our duty to keep up that trust and do our best, NO MATTER WHAT. I mean- its so terrible. I even met senior nurses wishing for the patient to just die so that their workload will be lesser. Seriously, what the heck. I am truly shocked. I hope, I never ever become such a nurse. I want to do the best for each and every of my patient, at all times. To me, nursing is all about passion. There is no way you can and should be doing it without any passion for it. And if one day, I lose this passion for any reason, I swear I will quit and do something else. I will never be a nurse without having the love for it.

And, I am really shocked with how little kids value their education nowadays. Since when play became so important, so much so that you screw your exams big time?And major exams for that matter. I really wonder why they don't realize the importance of it. Shouldn't it be cultivated in them since young? I mean- almost every teenager wants to just play. I am not saying I was perfect, but I really wasn't this bad. I still did well on the average. When I look at how it is now, it scares me to imagine how it will be in the future.

I haven't stopped thinking in a long time.

All my life, I thought I will stop hating you one day. I thought things will be fine in the future. And quite recently, I really thought it was all fine, finally. But I was wrong. So wrong. Its worst than ever. And this time, I am truly convinced that I will never be able to stop hating you. Maybe, the only time will be, when I lose you forever one day.

I think I wanna go work in IMH after my bond. I love working with psychiatric patients. They make me drive myself to be a fantastic nurse. They challenge me, to break the wall they have infront of them and reach out to them, and I love that challenge. And it really isn't easy. They make me appreciate my life more. They constantly rekindle my emotions and my feelings, and prevent me from going numb or heartless.

I am really really thankful to God, that I never depended on anyone for anything. That I decided to go into this standing on my own two feet. You know what I want. Just grant that pls.

Another 5 more weeks onlyyyyyyyy for PRCP to end! :)

GoodBye 2009

2009-12-30T21:44:00.005+08:00

When 2009 began, I told God, "This year, I want something definite in my life."

Inevitably, 2009 has been an extremely significant year. I received something, more than just definite. This year, though life changing, has been a hectic year of lessons, regrets, realisations and true joy and happiness.

This year, I learnt what are the real priorites in life. This year, I learnt how important it is to be good in life. This year, I realised what were my true abilities. This year, I started to have a need for perfection. This year, I realised how strong of a person I am. This year, I realised how painful the death of a loved one can be for the very first time. This year, I learnt that with determination and confidence, you can acheive anything at all. This year, I aced my exams. This year, I learnt how fake love can be, and then, how true love can be. This year, I hated more than I ever thought I could, and, I loved more than I ever thought I could. This year, I realised how powerful and sweet God's love is. This year, I really grew up and matured. This year, I found a reason to live for
.
And.

This year, I became a mother, to the sweetest angel with breath-taking beauty I have ever seen in my entire life. She brings earnest joy and happiness directly into my heart, its so hard to describe that amazing feeling. Its more than just love. She is life. And I love her, more than anything at all.

2010, please be slightly more relaxing. No more shocks, no more bad news, no more having to take life changing decisions please. There is so much I got to do in 2010. Some tellable resolutions.

*Get my license
*Excel in career
*Plan out finances for degree
*Get some proper savings done faithfully each month
*Plan out my arrangements of moving
*Have a grand grand one for my Little One's 1st!

And there are somethings I feel I have a need to do just for Him, for all the wonderful blessings He has showered upon me. No 1, I am gonna finally, honestly gonna try my very very very best to obey that one commandment I have never been able to obey almost all my life. No 2, I am gonna try my very best, as much as I can, to speak only the truth at all times. Lets see how it goes. Heh. And hopefully, all the other resolutions go well too.

And just one wish for the new year. Hopefully, He grants it for me. :)

2009, thank you for being such a life changing year for me. I don't think I will ever forget you.

2010, welcome and I am eager and excited to see what you have for me and my little darling.

Happy New Year everyone. All the best for the upcoming year. :)

2 months! :)

2009-12-16T22:52:00.004+08:00

My little princess is officially 2 months old today! Time flies like crazy. Another 16 more months and she starts school! Haha.

I miss her like hell during work. Its soooooo hard. :'(

I have realised, it takes only a second for an entire life to change. I think life is totally unpredictable and we all should be prepared for anything at all to happen.

And as for you, hang in there darling, it will all be fine soon. And trust me, He does have a reason for all these and you will know it one day. And meanwhile, I am here for you. You can lean onto me. :)

I have gotten almost everything I have ever wanted. And there's just this one thing left. And God, you have to grant it for me. You know my reasons for it, you know who it is for, and you know that its fair. You have to do it for me, you really have to.

Ok I am sooo sleepy.

Before I go off, Happy 2 months to my dearest little rascal!You are a true gift of love and I haven't stopped falling in love with you since day 1. Love you so much baby. :)

Anyway, I was reading this and I thought it's so cute and most of which, is so true. :)

42 things that changes when you have a baby:

1. You finally stop to smell the roses, because your baby is in your arms.

2. Where you once believed you were fearless, you now find yourself afraid.

3. The sacrifices you thought you made to have a child no longer seem like sacrifices.

4. You respect your body ... finally.

5. You respect your parents and love them in a new way.

6. You find that your baby's pain feels much worse than your own.

7. You believe once again in the things you believed in as a child.

8. You lose touch with the people in your life whom you should have banished years ago.

9. Your heart breaks much more easily.

10. You think of someone else 234,836,178,976 times a day.

11. Every day is a surprise.

12. Bodily functions are no longer repulsive. In fact, they please you. (Hooray for poop!)

13. You look at your baby in the mirror instead of yourself.

14. You become a morning person.

15. Your love becomes limitless, a superhuman power.

16. "You discover how much there is to say about one tooth."

17. "You finally realize that true joy doesn't come from material wealth."

18. "You now know where the sun comes from."

19. "You'd rather buy a plastic tricycle than those shoes that you've been dying to have."

20. "You realize that although sticky, lollipops have magical powers."

21. "You don't mind going to bed at 9 p.m. on Friday night."

22. "Silence? What's that?"

23. "You realize that the 15 pounds you can't seem to get rid of are totally worth having."

24. "You discover an inner strength you never thought you had."

25. "You no longer rely on a clock — your baby now sets your schedule."

26. "You give parents with a screaming child an 'I-know-the-feeling' look instead of a 'Can't-they-shut-him-up?' one."

27. "Your dog — who used to be your 'baby' — becomes just a dog."

28. "You take the time for one more hug and kiss even if it means you'll be late."

29. "You learn that taking a shower is a luxury."

30. "You realize that you can love a complete stranger."

31. You find yourself wanting to make this world a better place.

32. If you didn’t believe in love at first sight before, now you do!

33. You start to appreciate Sesame Street for its intellectual contribution.

34. You have to quit watching the news because you see every story from a mother's perspective and it breaks your heart.

35. You just plain love life more - everything comes together and becomes better because of one tiny person and your love for them.

36. You finally find out the real reason you have those breasts.

37. Where you were once afraid, you're now fearless.

38. The support you get from other people surprises you, because the people giving it are not always the ones you'd expect.

39. Nothing is just yours any longer. You share EVERYTHING!

40. No matter what you've accomplished in life, you look at your child and think, "I've done a GREAT job!"

41. You want to take better care of yourself for your child.

42. You can have the most wonderful conversation using only vowel sounds like "ahhh" and "oooo."

I am who I am. Deal with it.

2009-12-10T00:25:00.008+08:00

God is so great.

Work is fantastic. A discipline of my interest, great working environment, friendly colleagues, a kind and jovial nurse manager, a very very approachable and understanding preceptor, a very good friend together with me for prcp in the same ward, a day off on wed itself and leave for Christmas and new year granted immediately! I can't possibly ask for more. Haha. :D

And what made it all the more great, was my little one's heartwarming smile when I leave for work and come back from work. :) :) :)

You think I am lucky? I think I am blessed.

So anyways.

There are 2 things I want everyone to know and that is firstly, in whatever you do, there will always be one to encourage and praise, and there will always be one to discourage and doubt. And secondly, in everyone's life, there will always be issues and you just have to deal with them and move on. These are two very important things I told myself before making the decision.

All along, there were people to doubt in every way. And all along, I have been proving each and every one of them wrong. And now, I have reached a point where I don't see the point of explaining anything to anyone. You have doubts about how I am gonna handle the probs that will come up, stick around and watch, cos I am gonna handle them quite well. I don't care if you don't believe in me, I believe in myself and I have reached a point in my life where I know I am capable of accomplishing anything I say I can and will. You can say I am proud, you can say I am being arrogant, it doesn't matter to me, cos it wasn't easy and hey, hell to you but I did it and I am still doing it well and great, and for that, I have all the bloody rights to boast.

And most of all, my faith and trust in Him is too strong for me to lose hope. So ya, don't even think of trying. Nothing you do or say will shake me even a bit.

Getting insurance involves a whole lot of weird and uncomfortable questions. Luckily, my insurance agent is a good friend of mine. Or it would have been so weird giving those private details about my life. Hmm.

I don't like talking about it. I don't feel better. So don't ask.

Its not you. Its me. I am sorry. Get over it and move on.

I welcome advice and suggestions, but if you are thinking of orders and commands, you are approaching the wrong person and you will end up being sorry for it.

My world is rather big, but there isn't any space for you, and I am not sorry for it.

And,

I can't wait, for you to complete our lives. ;)

This Is It.

2009-12-06T22:53:00.004+08:00

Back to work tom. PRCP- Pre-Registration Consolidation Placement. For the first 10 weeks, I got what I wanted, at ward, psychiatric discipline(yess, that's what I wanted). But I was quite surprised to find out that for the last 2 weeks, I am being posted to ICU. Like what in the world?? I worked there once before when I was attached to SGH. And I didn't like it. I am gonna try requesting for a change to A&E. Hopefully, it will be granted. In any case, lets just hope it all goes well. Final hill to climb before it officially becomes, Staff Nurse Shamala. *woohoo* :D

I am trying to be very very strong here, but its extremely hard. Its gonna be the longest I am gonna be away from her ever. I am already in tears thinking about it. I hope I don break down at work tom. God, give me the strength pls. :'(

I had an asthma attack yesterday. My first ever. It was so scary. I really thought I was gonna die. And I was out in town alone with her! Goodness! Extreme panic state. :( And ok, I know it worried many. So sweet. I promise to go see the doctor if it happens again. No worries! :)

Ok la, had lots to say but no mood to blog anymore now. I haven't stopped sulking thinking about being away from her tom. *Sobz* :'(

Wrong Moment, Right Song.

2009-12-05T00:54:00.002+08:00

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

James Blunt- Goodbye My Lover

Hmm.

2009-12-02T23:56:00.003+08:00

What a day it was. I feel so tired. Not like I did a lot today, I guess just a lot happened. Hmm.

So yes, I lost my handphone :( And for those who don't know, this is my FIRST TIME losing my phone ever. Yes I have changed my no. many many times before, but it was never because I lost my phone. This is really the first time and it feels like shit. Its not like as if my phone is damn great or what la, actually its quite a lousy cheap phone..But still, you know, esp when u use prepaid... phone gone, contacts gone and number gone. Its so hectic to set it all right again. And it was quite a memorable number actually. Hmph. :(

Oh well, on the other hand, I have been contemplating for very long whether to change my no or not. And this, doesn't give me a choice anymore. So, new number it is. Hopefully, this lasts. (I really wanted the last one to last!Really!)

Did Little One's passport today! Haha. The phototaking part was so hilarious. Now that she can almost see and recognise people, she was keep looking out of the booth at us. Until the lady had to tell us to hide! Haha. So cute.

It was quite an interesting day. Lets see where this goes. God, be with me in this.

A Sweet Little Dream :)

2009-11-30T00:11:00.002+08:00

I am still quite a bit too overwhelmed to say much. Haha.

Her naming ceremony. It was nice. Really nice. I am happy. The presents were crazzzzzy. I had 2 garbage bags full of them! Haha. And the somanymany moments that truly touched my heart. The songs, the speech, the people and everything. I am happy. I really am. :)

But oh my my, this one function has made me decide that the next time I have any functions, I am so gonna get an event planner! Soooo much of work! And of cos, there were the hiccups, haha. But cute la :) Nevermind the hiccups! Lets hope the video turns out perfectly well, then she won't know anything. Hehe. ;)

And once again, I am really really touched. I haven't really stopped smiling. :)

So anyways, now that its over, I can finally relax and just laze around at home with my little one till I go back to work. Only one more week left :( I dun think I am gonna go anywhere without her. So, sorry guys, we will have the one-to-one dates someother time. Every min of my time this week is goes to her. :)

I realised, there are, indeed, many people out there who will never change no matter what happens in life, be it major or minor. Extremely disappointing. If there is one area God has tested me the most in my entire life, it will be this, it will be them. And I am still trying. Oh well.

Anyways, I cant wait for the video and the photos to be out! 2 weeks time! :) :)

I love the way you did it. I really do. I am still quite fascinated and speechless. ;)

God is great. He is simply amazing.

A sweet tiny little dream hidden somewhere deep within my heart... :)

D-DAY! :)

2009-11-27T11:31:00.006+08:00

Its Friday already! Little One's very first Big Day tom! Oh my my, I cant breathe when I think about it! So exciting! :) :) :)

So once again, everything fell into place very neatly just when I needed it to be. All settled. Lets just hope everything goes perfectly well tomorrow! :)

I didn't promise her anything that is just good, I promised her everything that is perfect. And that's how I want it to be. Perfect.

Its not the first time it happened, but each time He answers each of my prayers in his various amazing ways, it seriously freaks me out. But at least, it lets me know, He is there, He is watching and He answers. Thank You God. :)

Yest, went to get Little One's dress for sat. All the really grand looking ones seemed too big for her and ended up making her seem like some clown. :D So eventually, I decided to get a simple dress, but to accessorize it really nicely so that it stands out. And it actually turned out to be very nice. She will be dressed in white and gold. :) And I think her shoes are the cutest of all. :)

And I also saw a Santa jumpsuit. Oh my goodness, it was so so cute!I am getting that for Christmas for her! And yes, Christmas is cominggggg! YAY! And of cos, following that, the new year, and, the new beginning. :)

Haha..Yes yes, as u can see and tell, I am very happy. :)

Life is never perfect, but it's beautiful when you make e most out of it. :)

"What it was, may not anymore be what it is to you, but what it was, is still what it is for me, and will be, forever."

A Leo Woman

2009-11-26T01:51:00.004+08:00

She will stand out of the crowd on the street. When
she walks she walk like a queen, confident and does not look around,
though as if there is no one around her.

She will dress in her own style not according to fashion. She is
confident of what she choose to wear. Do not buy cheap clothes where
they sell in dozen for her as a gift, she will hate it. Also do not
buy cloths that do not reflect her confident personality. She likes
unique and strange cloths and accessories. Being different is what
she loves.

If you want to know her, take times and be patient because she is
selective about people she mingles with. She's open minded, but yet
she is not letting people get to close to her easily. She likes sweet
words and compliments, but not too much.

She smiles with anyone, but inside she thinks she is borne to be a
leader. She likes to be in control because it is in her nature
instinct. She is a graceful woman , and she has a magnetic charisma,
so expect tough competition.

She is a very proud person, so do not do anything to challenge her
confidence. She can be mad and act like a hurricane, and later can be
like an innocent kitten, but do not fall for her O.K. She remembers
everything and likes to cherish her sweet memory, so if you find her
old photo albums with her ex-boyfriend or love letters that will make
you puke, take it easy. She keeping her sweet memory does not mean
she still in love with the old fool, so you do not have to panic.

She will have many guys run after her, so if you have advantage of a
good x-udground family, or a famous last name, a successful career
then it's a plus. She hates to be poor and she thinks love will not
pay bills.

She is a sport type and love sports. If you want to date her, prepare
to spend big bugs, for your first dinner with her cannot be a hot
dog stand, but better be the best place in town. She is a generous
person, so do not be surprise if she give you a gift more expensive
than what you gave her. She likes extravaganza, no cheap gift, no
cheap dinner please. Being poor or broke make her depress. If you do
not have lots of money, be creative and make your own gift for her.
It's unique quality and times spending making it for her is a big
deal. You can think economical, but do not be cheap.

Bad english, but interesting. ;)

Her First Jab! :)

2009-11-18T19:17:00.008+08:00

Little One went for her first jab at poly today! If only I could have taken a video of it!So cute! Haha. She was actually sleeping at first, then when the needle went in, one loud shriek!And then she cried for abt a min, and then stopped her crying quite abruptly and immediately went back to sleep. Haha. :)

She makes my life so beautiful. :)

Its weird how you can feel so connected with a stranger you have never met or even spoken to before.

I realised that I have, now, become someone who is not able to give a second chance. The fact that you didn't cherish it the first time, shows that you aren't worth of a second time.

When it is just me, I can forgive, even when its you.
But when its her, I can never forgive, especially when its you.

***

I really can't wait for the 28th! :)

And I am finally convinced. It feels so much more better now. ~Smiles~ :)

I am so in love. With the song.

"நான் முதல் முதலாய் எழுதிய காதல் இசை,
அதற்கு ஒரு வாடாத ஸ்ருதி நீ..."

Finally, A Month. :)

2009-11-16T17:00:00.000+08:00

I know, time flies. Little one is officially one month old today :)

Well, the past 1 month, I am not even gonna say it was just okay, cos it was splendid. Not that everything went great, of cos not. It was hard, very hard with all the stuff. The adjustment to the new lifestyle, the mummy blues, the confinement period, the expenditure, the 'coming to terms with this is how life is gonna be from now' and to sum it all up, being a mom, and on top of that, being a single mom. But. Not only I managed, I managed quite well I think. And most importantly, when I think about the past month, what I can remember the most, is the uncountable times my little one has brought a smile to my face and earnest peace and happiness to my heart. Those moments were just amazing, and they are worth anything at all. :)

So I am doing fine, don't worry. :)

Finally, the long awaited weekend came and went. To me, this is when the real life starts, with all the duties, work, commitments, events, occasions, etc. coming up one after another without a break. So much to do, I am quite very sure time will breeze past me from now. I am nervous, a bit scared, yet, I am very very excited for so many things! Can't wait can't wait! :)

Her dedication was simply beautiful. And very much special, I could feel it, I could see it. It was one of the most fulfilling moments in life. I was completely filled with joy and pride. And yes, I promise. She will grow up as His, to be His. :)

And thank you for all those who came, served, blessed and were a part of the special moment. Means a lot. :)

I finally managed to handle it. Oh God, pls don't throw this onto me again. Thank you very much but I really don't need it for now. Will ask you when I want it. :)

I hate it whenever I give up on something. I wished I didn't give up on this. Or rather, it didn't give up on me. It meant so much to me and I can't get over it. :(

So anyway, before I go, something that melted my heart completely, and will definitely melt yours too. The other day, I was in one of my rare singing moods, and I sang to her... And she turned towards my face, looked at me eye to eye, and SMILED :) The feeling was just awesome. :)

Paranormal Activity anyone? :)

பேசாமல் பேசுதே கண்கள் லேசா... ;)

The Recollection.

2009-11-10T00:58:00.007+08:00

This will be a long long post. I am in that mood. I have been thinking alot recently. I brought myself back to memories that laid at the very back of my mind. Good times, bad times, but definitely, special times that changed my life in one way or another.

I recalled my early childhood. And what I recalled the most in that, were the happy times with my family. My whole, real family. There weren't much of it though. I remember the times in my very first house, at Serangoon. It was filled with love, happiness and laughter, I remember that. I remember me and my brother having a room to ourselves, and if I am not wrong, we had a double deckar bed. I remember being so afraid to use the toilet bowl as I felt I was small enough to fall inside it. I remember my brother taking care of me most of the times as there was no one else home. I remember the various baby sitters who came every now and then and played with me, left fond memories, and then just disappeared and never appeared again. I remember our very first helper, who stole things from the house and ran away. I remember my first time I knew I was terribly sick, and how my mother stayed beside me the entire night to bring my fever down. I remember the day my father sat beside me to teach me colouring, and how he carefully pointed out the places I coloured out of the line, and I learnt. I remember the day my mum and grandmother were cooking crab, and (they bought live crabs) one of the crabs fell on the floor and came crawling towards me..my dad was sleeping and I ran to him screaming that he woke up in a shock and then chided me and told me how I should be a brave gal always and not be afraid of little things. I remember my grandfather who lived with us, my mum's dad, and how he will hide for my brother and me when we go down to play, and how he will wrap money in newspaper and throw it down to us when we are down playing so that we could buy snacks and drinks. We were happy.

I recalled my childhood after that. I started going to school, primary school. We moved house, to Hougang. I remember the very very pretty house we had. The whole house was air-conditioned, there was even a bar-counter and we had our own rooms, but yet, I remember the many many nights I sneaked into my parents' room and snuggle in between them, and how eventually, all four of us started sleeping in the master bedroom all together. I remember playing rubbish games, like teacher-teacher, doctor-patient and pretending that the bar counter was my office and I was a secretary. I remembered my very first best friend, in primary 1, Vaisshnavi...we were damn close. I remember having swimming classes when I was 9, and how much I loved them..my swimming instructor told us to call him James Bond. And then, I remembered the bad times starting to begin. I remember those fights, those pain, those confusion, those fears and those hurt. I remember being the closest with my brother during these times. I remember missing my father like crazy at a certain point. I remember yearning for lots and lots of love. I remember that my family life changed then, forever. And I remember, not wanting to remember much anymore after that.

I recalled my teenage life. How it started rather quietly and ended quite loudly. I remember praying so hard for my PSLE results, for 3 things, to go to PLMGSS, to be in express stream, and to be with Sharlene in the same sch, same class..and thankfully, it all happened. I remember hating art in Sec 1 and how I would always screw it up. I remember Mrs Han, my science teacher, and how I offended her once and regretted it so much that I cried. I remember my first love, and how crazy and cute it was...we met on every tue and fri at heartland mall outside Minitoons..it was so standard. I remember getting close to annae and family then, and how they became a part of my life so much, till this day...I remember looking forward to every friday nite wher we would go over to his hse and stay, and how our mothers(pamster and pauline will come too) would always ground us from going in a way of punishment...we hated it so much! I remember backsliding at the age of 16, and going far far away from Him, one of my biggest regret in life. And then, I remember Vicky, who changed my life very much indeed. I especially remember his very sweet surprises...birthdays, bouquets, gifts, dates, family times with both his and mine, our special moments, fights, then make-ups, and the break-up..I remember lots abt him, too much to say, too special to elaborate. I remember May to September 2008 being the time of my life, where I did everything and anything I wanted, enjoying myself to the max not bothering about anything, not having anyone to be controlled by, or to even listen to...the time I felt the most prettiest, heh. I remember 'table' being created then, and how it got me much more closer to e two dearests and vice-versa. And. Then. I remember him, and everything we had.I remember the dreams that literally came true. I remember the love that changed destinies of many, including its own. I remember loving the most and feeling loved the most, ever in my life. I remember actually having a certain period of time where I never cried at all but only smiled and laughed all day and night. I remember Nisha's 21st bday party, a day I felt the most excruciating pain I ever felt in my entire life, so much so that I literally couldn't breathe. I remember Mar 4th 2009, a day that I discovered my entire life was gonna change...the day I knew I wasn't alone anymore. I remember growing up, thinking matured and acting matured, for once. I remember the pain and the suffering to get over the whole tide, alone. I remember going back to Him, gladly and gratefully, and this time, very sincerely. I remember getting the most wonderful gift I ever can...I remember my little angel and her very first gaze on me and how I fell in love with her there and then, and every single moment from then to now.

Many of these memories definitely brought back tears to my eyes and caused a pinch in my heart, but still, I am grateful that I was atleast given a chance to live through such moments, some don't even get this much, some get worse than these.

And it still goes on, and till it ends, these memories will stay close and dear to my heart always.

And last but def not the least, that one memory of you to walk me through this life hereafter...

A Rose? :)

2009-11-09T10:28:00.002+08:00

SocialInterview.com asked me "If Shamala B Raj was a flower, what would he/she be?"
I answered ''She would be a rose...cos its beautiful but it has thorns :)''

Haha. How sweet. :)

Life- Give it a Chance, if you have the Choice.

2009-11-08T13:07:00.001+08:00

I am back in the mood of having many many things in mind but not having any words to put them in.

It was quite a disturbing Saturday, with the discovery of many many disturbing things. One of which, if I had known would affect me this much, I would have rather not known the real truth, and chosen not to give a listening ear. I am sorry this happened to you. I really am. I truly understand the torment, of wishing you could do everything you can to prevent it from happening and yet, you couldn't do anything at all but just watch. I am sorry.

There can never ever be any reason to justify the act of taking a life away, whether you do it in a legal way, or the illegal way. I strongly believe in that and I always will. We humans can make mistakes and cause accidents, God never does. There is a reason for everything, and we have no rights to alter His plans, but to just adapt and adjust, and be thankful.

Thank you Lord, for giving me the strength, the courage and the wisdom to make the right decision. And thank you, for even letting me be the one who had the choice to make the decision. Some, just don't, and I have seen how painful it could all have been. Thank you Lord, for giving me such reasons to be thankful for, every single day.

I love you to death, and even more than that.

Milestones chart: 1 month!

2009-11-05T14:10:00.007+08:00

Child's Age	Mastered Skills (most kids can do)	Emerging Skills (half of kids can do)	Advanced Skills (a few kids can do)
1 month	• Lifts head when lying on tummy • Responds to sound • Stares at faces	• Follows objects briefly with eyes • Vocalizes: oohs and aahs • Can see black-and-white patterns	• Smiles, laughs • Holds head at 45-degree angle

Given her development, I shall get myself prepared for the mischief to be setting in very very soon!

Do click on the links to read up more on many other interesting facts! :)

The first visit to the Peadiatrician :)

2009-11-03T21:35:00.002+08:00

So little one and I had our first visit to our very own peadiatrician today. It all started with her having phlegm-like sounds since yesterday and I started to get worried sick. The high possibilities of her getting asthma had been one of my biggest worries since day 1. So, being the paranoid and fussy mother I, unfortunately or fortunately, happen to be, I insisted that she sees the doctor and have it consulted immediately. And so when we got there, I bombarded Dr with I think a million questions, that at the end of it, he laughed at me, thankfully in a rather kind and soft way, and passed me a book and told me that it will answer all my questions. And the title of the book was, "A Parent's Guide to Newborn Babies". More like, the "guide to shut paranoid first-time parents", as the book is really good and seriously answered every other query I had been having and also told me when it is serious and when it isn't :) So anyway, it seems every newborn baby will have such phlegm sounds and its perfectly normal and will go off as they grow. At the end of the check-up, Dr said "everything else is also normal and she is perfectly fine. :)" When I told my brother that, he was shocked and said to me, "You spent a bomb just to hear that?" Haha. I guess many feel that way too. But seriously, its worth the assurance and relief I got after the consultation. Well, you will understand when you get into my shoes one day :)

***

2009-11-02T16:42:00.007+08:00

இருக்கின்ற இதயம் ஒன்றல்லவா..
எனதல்ல அதுவும் உனதல்லவா..
எதை கேட்ட போதும் தரகூடுமே..
உயிர் கூட உனக்காய் விடகூடுமே..
தருகின்ற பொருளாய் காதல் இல்லை..
தந்தாலே காதல் காதல் இல்லை..

Back Off.

2009-10-31T21:39:00.002+08:00

I deserve THIS more than anyone in this whole wide world.

So stay away.

And I mean it, STAY AWAY.

Can life get any more fulfilling? :)

2009-10-29T22:28:00.009+08:00

For once, I am eagerly looking forward to the future. There is so much in store for me in the days, weeks, months and years to come. And above all, I am excited to find out what are HIS plans for my little one. She fought destiny to be born, I am quite sure HE has huge plans for her :)

One of the best moments in life are the times I get to watch little one chuckling and giggling away in her sleep. Oh my. Its the most adorable thing I have ever seen. And they say, when babies smile or laugh, it means God is speaking to them and angels are whispering in their ears. Now you know why I say HE loves her too much. She is always smiling and laughing :)

She's growing way too fast. And she will be one brave and tough little one. Till this day, I have not seen her crying out of pain. Even when they pricked her to take blood, and she's only 2 weeks old. So ya, thank God she took after me in that, and didn't turn out to be a weakling or a coward :)

Talking about weaklings and cowards, I think guys who allow themselves to be henpecked are utterly disgusting. Guys who let the woman rule their life, especially against their wishes, guys who keep running to their woman when there is a prob and wait for the lady to find a way out for them, guys who wait upon their woman even when it means torture to them, they should just turn into gays, they will do much better.

And Finally, with Her, It All Makes Sense :)

2009-10-22T09:30:00.004+08:00

Ok, a very quick one!

My last sentence of my last blog says "Long day tom!" Never did I expect it to turn out to be a long week. I left my house for a casual day out, not having the slightest idea that the next time I will be returning back, will be, with her :)

She is a beauty. And there is just no other words to exaggerate that. A true miracle, brought into this world to add colours in many lives from the very beginning till now. The moment I saw her, I knew at once, it was His reward for me, his way of answering all my questions, once and for all. For all the 'why' questions I tormented God with all my life, I was finally shown, this was why. And, IT IS, so worth. She completes my life. I don't need anything else. :)

The only one my stubborness won't work with, is HIM. I know the exact reason why HE gave me a C- Section. Hmmm. But yes, thank you for not letting me have my way and taking charge once again. I guess it was for the best. :)

So anyway, babies, kids, children- and I say this with utmost love- can wear the heck out of you :) Its a whole new lifestyle. Every routine has changed. In fact, there isn't routine anymore. Everything is just rushed through with one after another coming up, and before I know it, the day is over. But the best part to all these is, end of the day, I still go to bed with a smile. :)

I thought, all my life I grew up seeing the worst kind of fathers. But, I finally saw one, that manage to beat all the rest, when it comes to insincerity and inhumanity. Hmmm.

Btw, now that my life feels more or less settled and complete, I think I might wanna get more personal with it. Which means, my blog would be privatised soon. So those who want to, you can drop me a msg on facebook with your email add and I will add you so that you can continue reading. [Invitation goes to friends and loved ones only.] :)

Not sure when I will have time to update again..but will try to make time. Till then, thank you all of you, for all the love and support you have showered on me and my little angel all these while. Lovesss. :)

***

2009-10-11T22:52:00.006+08:00

Typhoon, Earthquake, Tsunami and whatever else. Oh God, if there is gonna be a second Noah's Ark, I would like to reserve seats for me and little one... I still want to live, with her. :)

A loooong tiring day, yet a very happy and fulfilling one. Thank you darlings, and yes, she will be out soon, just awhile more..patience! :)

By the way, to those who do not know this yet, I have stopped working and am on leave already. So do stop worrying! :) I am just slacking nicely, waiting for her to arrive. And yes, of cos, spending some good fruitful time with loved ones before the huge lifelong task comes along, hopefully then, I won't be missed too much. Heh heh.

And yes yes, I know I am suppose to be resting and be safe and sound at home. But on the other hand, its my last chance to 'oorusutharaan' like crazy, and I am sooo NOT gonna waste it! So don stop me either. And no worries, I have taught everyone what to do if anything happens suddenly :D

I know this might be a wishful thinking on my part, but I am hoping it will be this coming weekend. That would be quite ideal. Preferably Sunday. Exactly a week from now to settle everything else, and a nice day too, to meet the little one for the very first time. Ha. Lets see, hope and pray :)

Which also means, time is running out and I will need to hurry decide. Hmmm. Hate it when plans get screwed at the last minute. But ya, I know, if that isn't life for you, then what is? Oh well. As I said, there can be millions of probs in the world, and for each of them, there can be millions of ways to solve, but nothing beats leaving all of them to HIM, and then to just sit back and watch Him do His wonders. And in my case, there has just been too many wonders all along till this vey day :) And I truly believe it won't be long before yet another one takes place, to show me the right path this time too.

And Youuuuu, soooo glad you are back! Missed you soooo much, especially when you were not around amidst all these confusions :( You have been such a great pillar all along, and I so badly need to lean a bit right now. Can't wait for tom :)

Long day tom too :)

Phew :)

2009-10-09T17:20:00.003+08:00

Wow. I can't believe I made it through work. I really thought I would drop dead halfway, but I didn't! Yeah!

So anyway, A&E made me realise that I am really not the ward kind of nurse. I prefer a fast paced environment with something new and challenging every now and then. A&E was very interesting, but definitely extremely challenging too. You literally save lives there, so you gotta know EVERYTHING at your fingertips! Given the person I am, I know I would do quite well there. So its between A&E and OT now. Most prob, A&E I think. Hmmm.

Dropping the subject of work for now, Dr said it can be anytime 2 weeks before or 2 weeks after the official date. So, the waiting game has actually begun. I still have some little stuffz here and there to settle, which would be done by wed or thurs I guess... So little one is welcomed to arrive anytime after that. Earlier the better. :)

I am having a major battle with reality and the truth right now regarding one certain issue. Oh God, pls do be with me. Give me the strength pls.

And last but not least, Temptations can be deadly.

21 days more :)

2009-10-07T22:15:00.008+08:00

How your baby's growing:

Congratulations — your baby is full term! This means that if your baby arrives now, her lungs should be fully mature and ready to adjust to life outside the womb, even though your due date is still three weeks away.Your baby weighs 6 1/3 pounds and measures a bit over 19 inches, head to heel (like a stalk of Swiss chard). Many babies have a full head of hair at birth, with locks from 1/2 inch to 1 1/2 inches long. But don't be surprised if your baby's hair isn't the same color as yours. And then, of course, some babies sport only peach fuzz.

How your life's changing:

Braxton Hicks contractions may be coming more frequently now and may last longer and be more uncomfortable. You might also notice an increase in vaginal discharge. If you see some "bloody show" (mucus tinged with a tiny amount of blood) in the toilet or in your undies, labor is probably a few days away — or less. (If you have heavier spotting or bleeding, call your caregiver immediately.) It may be harder than ever to get comfortable enough to sleep well at night. If you can, take it easy through the day — this may be your last chance to do so for quite a while. Keep monitoring your baby's movements, too, and let your caregiver know immediately if you notice a decrease. Though her quarters are getting cozy, she should still be as active as before. While you're sleeping, you're likely to have some intense dreams Anxiety both about labor and about becoming a parent can fuel a lot of strange flights of unconscious fancy.

By the way people, I have got too many signs saying it may be anytime soon, but I am hoping it won't be this week. Pray! :)

"My dear darling, do wait for at least just another 1 more week before deciding to come out...Mommy has just one last thing to do before she's totally ready and prepared for your arrival..."

:)

The Exceptional.

2009-10-06T19:12:00.002+08:00

Once again, Telepathy spoke. Though this time, I am not sure if I wanted it to.

"நான்கு கண்ணாடி சுவர்களுக்குளே நானும் மெழுகுவத்தியும் தனிமை தனிமையோ..கொடுமை கொடுமையோ.."

2009-10-03T12:28:00.005+08:00

What a hectic week it has been. Work was fine though, since it was just OT attachment this week. Not that tiring like ward. It was the every other thing I had to do this week that hauled me down.

Working had never been more interesting like how it was working at the operation theatre. I am quite surprised that I actually liked it so much that I am seriously considering to be an OT Nurse. I loved it there. The challenges that met us every single day. A surgery is no easy thing. And the sense of triumph and achievement the scrub team gets for each successful surgery done is just amazing. I want to be part of that too. And oh ya, not to mention, the surgeons. Hmmm. For once, I will agree, doctors can actually be quite cool, and hot. And those big time surgeons, they have brains like all over! Heh :D

Coincidentally, mum's op was in the same week I had my OT posting, though we were at different hospitals. But I did manage to see the exact surgery they were gonna perform on her. I am not really sure if that was a good thing. Cos it sure made me feels lots more nervous. Esp since the ones I watched lasted only 2 hours, whereas I didn't hear from her ward for more than 5 hours. I got worried sick. But thank god, it all went well and fine. She is alright. Thank you for all your prayers. :)

Did the last bit of shopping this week. Well, I must say, apart from the money spent and the tiring part of making sure I have everything, it was one of the most joyful shopping I have ever done :) Who knew babies would actually need so many things? From the huge items like the cot, to the really tiny ones like nappy pins. There are really lots to get. Nice. :)

Looks like little one has really put on lots of weight. Her moves are so strong nowadays. My OT blouse became too tight for me at tummy area within just a few days! :)

"New York Nagaram" gives me the goosebumps and makes my heart skip a beat. And I can't really figure out the exact reason for it. Whether its because of this, or that.

பேச்செல்லாம் தாலாட்டு போல என்னை உறங்க வைக்க நீ இல்லை..

தினமும் ஒரு முத்தம் தந்து காலை காபி கொடுக்க நீ இல்லை

விழியில் விழும் தூசி தன்னை நாவால் எடுக்க நீ இங்கு இல்லை

மனதில் எழும் குழப்பம் தன்னை தீர்க்க நீ இங்கு இல்லை

நான் இங்கே நீயும் அங்கே...இந்த தனிமையில் நிமிஷங்கள் வருஷம் ஆனதேனோ...

This week! :)

2009-09-30T19:02:00.006+08:00

Not in the mood to blog about anything except, lets all be always careful of what we say and do to others at all times. Cos, whether its true or untrue, you never know how or when karma will hit you.

So anyway, little one this week! 28 days from now :)

How your baby's growing:

Your baby is still packing on the pounds — at the rate of about an ounce a day. She now weighs almost 6 pounds (like a crenshaw melon) and is more than 18 1/2 inches long. She's shedding most of the downy covering of hair that covered her body as well as the vernix caseosa, the waxy substance that covered and protected her skin during her nine-month amniotic bath. Your baby swallows both of these substances, along with other secretions, resulting in a blackish mixture, called meconium, will form the contents of her first bowel movement.

At the end of this week, your baby will be considered full-term. (Full-term is 37 to 42 weeks; babies born before 37 weeks are pre-term and those born after 42 are post-term.) Most likely she's in a head-down position. But if she isn't, your practitioner may try to coax your baby into a head-down position by manipulating her from the outside of your belly.

How your life's changing:

Now that your baby is taking up so much room, you may have trouble eating a normal-size meal. Smaller, more frequent meals are often easier to handle at this point. On the other hand, you may have less heartburn and have an easier time breathing when your baby starts to "drop" down into your pelvis. This process — called lightening — often happens a few weeks before labor if this is your first baby. (If you've given birth before, it probably won't happen before labor starts.) If your baby drops, you may also feel increased pressure in your lower abdomen, which may make walking increasingly uncomfortable, and you'll probably find that you have to pee even more frequently. If your baby is very low, you may feel lots of vaginal pressure and discomfort as well. Some women say it feels as though they're carrying a bowling ball between their legs!

You might also notice that your Braxton Hicks contractions are more frequent now. Be sure to review the signs of labor with your practitioner and find out when she wants to hear from you. As a general rule, if you're full-term, your pregnancy is uncomplicated, and your water hasn't broken, she'll probably have you wait to come in until you've been having contractions that last for about a minute each, coming every five minutes for an hour. Of course, you'll want to call right away if you notice a decrease in your baby's activity or think you're leaking amniotic fluid, or if you have any vaginal bleeding, fever, a severe or persistent headache, constant abdominal pain, or vision changes. Even if you're enjoying an uncomplicated pregnancy, it's best to avoid flying (or any travel far from home) during your final month because you can go into labor at any time.

Btw, since it was mentioned, I had my first false labour last week, when I had contractions every 2 hours from 3am all the way till 4pm. I freaked out. But ya, it wasn't it. :)

Singapore Idol Judge's Insensitive Comment

2009-09-26T21:37:00.007+08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U1-BHO2dNrU&feature=channel
(at the 4th min)

http://tnp.sg/show/story/0,4136,215000,00.html

I am not a great fan of Vasantham Star, neither am I a 'really-hate-SI judge-ken' fan, but I seriously do think, such a comment made on national tv, by a well-known judge for one of the most popular singing competitions in Singapore that is being aired for 3 years, is totally unprofessional, insensitive and uncalled for. Being a judge for a singing competition, his duty is to provide the contestants with constructive comments for improvement or compliments for motivation and encouragement. Ken achieved neither of those in the comment made. What's most incorrigible is the lame excuse of his to have made such a comment and his absurd claim on not even knowing there was a show called Vasantham Star. ???? Given that this isn't the only instance Ken has defeated his purpose of being a Singapore Idol judge, I think its time he does some serious thinking with regards to the objectives of being a Singapore Idol judge and act accordingly to them.

Smiles :)

2009-09-23T17:13:00.005+08:00

I was in the cab going home and when nearing home, I told the taxi uncle, " Straight all the way." And once again, it happened. After 2 traffic lights, he asked me, "Straight ah?" But this time, I got reminded of something, and someone, and instead of answering him, started smiling so widely, almost laughing out loud. And the uncle saw me smiling through the mirror and gave me a weird look. How embarrassing! He must have thought what a psycho I am :D

This week seems to be a happy week for many. Quite an eventful one too for me. Laughed like I never laughed before. And I cant wait for tom. :)

It takes guts, and not just lots, but too much of love to do what you did. Thank you. I appreciate it. :)

I have built myself a world of my own. It may be small, but its filled with so much of love in every corner of it. Love that I can't even measure. And that's just, more than enough :)

This week's updates from baby centre! And for those counting down, you can minus 7 from 42 :)

How your baby's growing:

Your baby doesn't have much room to maneuver now that she's over 18 inches long and tips the scales at 5 1/4 pounds (pick up a honeydew melon). Because it's so snug in your womb, she isn't likely to be doing somersaults anymore, but the number of times she kicks should remain about the same. Her kidneys are fully developed now, and her liver can process some waste products. Most of her basic physical development is now complete — she'll spend the next few weeks putting on weight.

How your life's changing:

Your uterus — which was entirely tucked away inside your pelvis when you conceived — now reaches up under your rib cage. If you could peek inside your womb, you'd see that there's more baby than amniotic fluid in there now. Your ballooning uterus is crowding your other internal organs, too, which is why you probably have to urinate more often and may be dealing with heartburn and other gastrointestinal distress. If you're not grappling with these annoyances, you're one of the lucky few.

:)

And Jesus said, "Come to me..."

Time, & So.

2009-09-21T16:43:00.002+08:00

I have decided not to let my time be used up by people to whom I make no difference while I neglect those for whom I am irreplaceable.

Yummy :)

2009-09-17T22:01:00.002+08:00

I was craving for indian sweets, and today, I got a box delivered directly from India just for me :D

And its really so so so great!

:)

The Days Go By

2009-09-16T02:34:00.009+08:00

Oh my. Its only Tue. And I am so tired already. My feet feels numb. I hate aft shifts. They are so draggy and the whole day is gone at work.

I told myself in the very beginning that this part of it will be the hardest of all due to all sorts of reasons. And I was right. The other months went pass quite easily. The final lap seems to be so...testing, I would call it. Sham-hang in there. Just a bit more. Endure endure endure!

It only hurts when they matter too much to you. Now I am wishing, if only they didn't matter that much. Recently, I thought of all the people who made this whole journey most difficult for me. And I was truly surprised at the first few names that came across my mind. People whom I thought would be there in every way. People whom I thought I can lean onto each time I felt weak. People who were among the first few ones I went to seek help, advice and comfort from. People who really mean more than what I can describe. And very sadly, they turned out to be the same ones who made it most painful for me too.

Today, someone asked me, "Seriously Sham, are they your friends or your enemies?" It saddened me so much, to realize that the years of bond we have had, I repeat, years, have shrunk to something that allows people to ask such questions. I don't even know what I am still clinging onto anymore when it comes to this. Is it all the history we have had? Or is there still some tiny little hope that it may actually not be what I am thinking it is despite of all the happenings? Or is it just the place they have in my heart, despite the place I have in theirs? I really don't know. I don't know what went wrong where either, but its really so painstakingly tiring to work on this any further. I wanna let go. And the least you can do, is to stop pretending and just allow me to, when I finally do give up.

***

Happy 21st Belle! In these 3 years we have known each other, many things have happened bet us and around us. We have come a long way. Nevertheless, I want you to know, I am glad you are in my life today. I hope you like the surprise and you have a great day and year ahead! Love you. :)

Little one seems to be a great swimmer and a great kickboxer now itself. Too much in fact. :)

I am itching to say this and excite, shock and scare some of you. I have just 42 days more to go :)

I get emails from the baby centre webpage on updates about each week's changes and developments. And I decided to share them with you all since there's just another few more weeks only. :)

How your baby's growing this week:

Your baby now weighs about 4 3/4 pounds (like your average cantaloupe) and is almost 18 inches long. Her fat layers — which will help regulate her body temperature once she's born — are filling her out, making her rounder. Her skin is also smoother than ever. Her central nervous system is maturing and her lungs are continuing to mature as well. If you've been nervous about preterm labor, you'll be happy to know that babies born between 34 and 37 weeks who have no other health problems generally do fine. They may need a short stay in the neonatal nursery and may have a few short-term health issues, but in the long run, they usually do as well as full-term babies.By this week, fatigue has probably set in again, though maybe not with the same coma-like intensity of your first trimester. Your tiredness is perfectly understandable, given the physical strain you're under and the restless nights of frequent pee breaks and tossing and turning, while trying to get comfortable. Now's the time to slow down and save up your energy for labor day (and beyond). If you've been sitting or lying down for a long time, don't jump up too quickly. Blood can pool in your feet and legs, causing a temporary drop in your blood pressure when you get up that can make you feel dizzy.

:)

The Smell of September

2009-09-06T23:01:00.007+08:00

I wonder if September has its own smell. Whenever I close my eyes and take a deep breath, I smell the moments of a year back. Can't believe a year has past since. It all seems like a dream.

I am too lazy to go into details of everything that has happened this week. But to summarize it all, I would just re-emphasize on this:
God not only answers your prayers, he answers them in abundance and gives you more than what you can ask for. Just, ask with faith. :)

I survived the first week of work somehow, though there were many instances my back hurt so much that I really thought I was already going into labor. One reason why I was very nervous about this attachment was because, this was the exact same ward I was posted to about 7 months ago. Where no one knew anything, including myself, and I was wondering what the hell was wrong with my body. It was also, the same ward I got flowers sent straight to me while I was working. But little did everyone know, that the flowers that were the envy of many then, were actually a tool that could have ruined life for me. BUT, as I said, God answers prayers in abundance. Things not only went smoothly, it was splendid, but of cos, putting aside the tiredness. But even that, I have got colleagues and a clinical instructor who are so understanding and concerned that I am assured it isn't gonna be a prob. :)

And the baby shower. One thing that touched me the most was the tremendous effort the girls put in to make it a great day for me. I wonder if I could have done that much. And for all those who came with genuine love and care, thank you. You guys made my day, and I guess even for my little one, for she was awake throughout :)

Its actually quite interesting to fix broken pieces with super glue and then to look at the cracks and reflect on how much damage your anger can possibly cause. I'm sorry. I am quite sick of the hormonal flare-ups too. Sorry peepz. Just blame the hormones for now k.

I have never been more glad than I was this week, that I actually don't have that male companionship everyone keeps saying I can't do without, at this point of time. I still remember the words I heard in the very beginning, "You will need him. It will kill you without him. You cannot do it without him" I kept quiet then, but, having already gone through 3/4 of this journey, I am telling you now, "Bullshit."

This week,my heart went out for the woman who spent days and nights worrying if her man would stay true to her till the end, and eventually have her heart shattered when she realised that her worst fears have come true and that he had taken her for a ride.

One of the most relieving factors in life for me, would be the fact that, atleast I never have to be in that women's situation.

To me, being contented is most important. And I have to admit, I have a life that I should be gladly contented with. Good health, adequate education, wonderful profession, friends and family who truly love and care, and most of all, my precious one to be a reason for me to live for. No doubt everyone loves to have a perfect life. But of cos, no one gets it. There would always be an imperfect part of you lingering around. And if my imperfections in life fall in the place where a man is concerned, I am just glad its that and nothing else. Cos to me, that has become nothing, but, just, worthless.

This week is gonna be exciting :)

And The Working Life Begins.

2009-08-30T21:16:00.008+08:00

Tom, I will be stepping into TTSH bearing in mind that this is where I am gonna spend half of the time in my life for the next 3 and 1/2 years. God, let time fly like crazy whenever I am at work pls.

Got a shock when I tried on the uniform just now. Its damn damn long. Never have worn such a long dress ever in my life before! Esp when compared to my old uniform, ;) Gonna look like some cuckoo tom. Oh well.

Honestly, I am kinda excited to do my year 3 attachment. Its like the THE final. I should know everything by now. But yet, quite nervous for many many reasons. Esp since its at this point of time. It has all gone well in almost all the other areas all these months. Hope it goes alright here too. Please, God. :)

I keep telling myself to rest, but my mind and my bum just don't seem to listen. I keep doing this and that and thinking of what else I haven't done and what else I have to prepare for and what else I need to have a backup plan for, etc etc.

I use to be someone who lives for the moment and who acts only after something happens. Someone with a total heck care attitude towards almost everything in life. And now, I panic and feel extremely insecure when I don't have a plan ahead for each thing I do in life. Not only I need to have every little thing fully prepared in a perfect way, I also need to have a back up plan for everything and anything I do in case something goes wrong somewhere. Or else, I seriously can't sleep in peace. And believe it or not, I even think of stuff that wouldn't happen for the next 20 years at least.

And then I realized, there're only two beings in this world, who have managed to bring upon such changes in me. And both, are not very far related. In fact, made of the same.

Happy working to myself and all of you too :)

1 more!

2009-08-27T00:15:00.002+08:00

Just ONE more to go!

So relieved its the last one already...cos I am already soooo tired!

I really need to rest!

:/

Miss you.

2009-08-23T23:12:00.014+08:00

Whenever I study anything about cancers, stroke or even elderly, I get this really painful feeling in my heart. Memories of my grandmother would just come crushing down. Especially the ones of her last day.

A day I can never forget.

As I watched each of the signs of stroke taking place in her slowly, I knew deep inside what was happening and what exactly was gonna happen. But never had enough courage to acknowledge it or accept it, let alone break the news to the rest, who were just plainly filled with fear, confusion, panic and sorrow, including my grandmother herself. I just watched her with tears trickling down, not being able to do anything about it but just wishing with all my heart that what was happening, wasn't really happening.

And at that moment, there was just one thing that was ringing in my mind continuously, her last words to me just an hour ago, filled with utmost love and affection as usual,
"Will you stay over with me today?"

And because I answered her that I will, I stayed close by her side till the very moment I saw her breathe her last.

And that one last memory of her, never went away till this minute.

No matter how much we all prepared ourselves for 2 years, none of us could ever adjust to the fact of her going away or having gone, till this very day. And I wonder, if we ever will.

After all, she was the pillar of the family, who always brought us all together, till her very last day.

Miss you so much. We all do. Love you.

:)

2009-08-21T20:53:00.004+08:00

Omg management was unexpectedly super duper easy! :) 2 down..3 more to go! :)

Btw, I just realised, these are probably my last examinations ever..cos if I am not wrong, for the advance dip and degree, its just gonna be assignments and projects only. Hmm.

Today, I was randomly reminded of the time I was admitted in the hospital for high fever. I was only 6 years old. And there was this one night, my father was 'on duty' to look after me for the night. So that night, a few hours after I went to sleep, I suddenly woke up in the middle of the night. And I couldn't find my father! And then I started crying and went to the nurses counter. I vividly remember blabberring something about my father gone missing and that I wanted to make a phonecall. And there were no handphones at that time, only pagers. So I called my mother who was at home and cried to her saying dad was missing. Then she told me she will get my father and asked me to go to bed. And then after awhile, my father appeared! And he said to me, "You ah!I was having stomach ache and went to toilet and your mother started paging me a million times putting 999 all!"

HAHA. :)

Anywayz.

Rashes, feet swelling, bloatedness, shortness of breath, heartburn, pigmentation, heaviness, dehydration, exhaustion, pain, contractions, low immunity, backache, insomnia, hyper-sensitivity, anxiety, fear and extreme FATNESS! The 3rd trimester is just terrible terrible terrible.

One Hard Kick & A Big Mess :)

2009-08-20T16:42:00.006+08:00

Socio was a killer. Cant believe it would be so tricky. Anyways, 1 down. 4 more to go.

I wished this extreme state of discomfort waited till exams were over. Its so hard to study. Haiyz. :(

But as I said, time is flying. Only God knows how I managed all these months. And before I know it, it will be over. Hmm.

I have got a new helper at home. She is 26 years old. And she calls me 'akka'. [elder sis in tamil]

Looks like I have not only put on weight, I have put on years of age too. *sighz*

But she is really good, and really nice. Just the kind we needed at this point of time. Thank you God. :)

I dun feel too good about the baby shower. But the girls have been so sweet to plan it all. And I feel bad to kill their excitement and efforts. Oh well. :)

Honestly, I would appreciate it more if you are not here at all then to have you being here just for the sake of it. Pls don't. Enough.

I cannot explain in simple words how much changes have taken place in almost EVERY area of my life. It has been truly amazing. But, this wall I have built within myself this time, is much stronger than ever, that I don't think even I will be able to break it, let alone anyone else. Cos this time, there is just too much to protect.

I came across this saying :
Never give up on someone you cant go a day without thinking about.
But what if you think of them everyday only because of the excruciating pain they have caused you? Aren't you better off giving it up then? Hmm.

So anyways, a story before I go off:

Yesterday, I was colouring my nails. So I was resting my hand and the nail polish bottle on my tummy. And then suddenly, there was one hard kick! And the bottle toppled, my nails smudged and there was a big mess!

Haha. :D

...God doesn't promise a perfect life, but HE promises to take care of the imperfections in life...

***

2009-08-19T15:41:00.002+08:00

Three things in life that, once gone, never come back -

1. Time
2. Words
3. Opportunity

Three things in life that can destroy a person -
1. Anger
2. Pride
3. Unforgiveness

Three things in life that you should never lose-
1. Hope
2. Peace
3. Honesty

Three things in life that are most valuable -

1. Love
2. Family & Friends
3. Kindness

Three things in life that are never certain -
1. Fortune
2. Success
3. Dreams

Three things that make a person -
1. Commitment
2. Sincerity
3. Hard work

***

2009-08-13T20:15:00.008+08:00

When life offers you something beyond your dreams and expectations, its unreasonable to grieve over it when it ends one day.

Strange indeed.

That what changed the destiny of many, stands destitute today.

So anyways.

The room is almost done. Thank you to all those who came to help. Esp since I was being so useless not being able to do anything much but just order you all around. HEHE. But really, thank you. :)

Today was the last lecture and the last tutorial. And tom will officially be the last time NR0706 be seen all together. Last days of school never meant this much before.

What I need is not a friend who is no different from a wall, but a friend who makes a difference.

Last presentation was over today. Looks like we did well for EVERY one of our projects this sem. :D :D

Nothing is perfect and merry. Nothing will ever be. There's still fear. There are still hiccups. There's still pain. Lots, in fact. Yet, I am fine, and I will always be fine. It just simply means, I am positive, and I am determined. I will anticipate the failures, but they will not tie me down. They never have. Circumstances may change, but my strength, will never change. Not anymore.

Last but definitely not the least,

Little one's nose seems to be DAMN BIG! :D

And once again, thank you Lord. For all the mercy and grace. Love you.

You did not come when I needed you. And when you do come one day, I won't be needing you anymore. You, remember.

:)

2009-08-06T23:45:00.006+08:00

I am recovering. So it isn't swine. Heh.

Never will I underestimate my intelligence ever again! HEHE. okok, don't start cursing me. I shan't brag too much. ;)

And so, the birthday came and passed. Indeed, it was a day full of surprises, from wishes to the gifts. When I told my mother about the call I got early in the morning, saying I have some parcel on the way, she got all paranoid and was like, "who is it from? wait bomb ah!" HAHA. Anyways, it wasn't any bomb. And yes it did bring a smile to my face.
But I still think you are mad to be doing this every year:)

So ya, it was really a different one this year. Thanks, you all. :)

Anything that doesn't kill, only makes you stronger. I am tired of all your nonsense. So many are. And so, I am not gonna retaliate to any of your blows, or so you think, anymore. I am staying put, doing what I have to do rightfully. And if me doing so, affects you somehow or rather, its just too bad for you. My priority is not to protect you anymore, but to secure my little one's happiness, in every possible way. So ya, stop wasting your time. Get a life. A proper one for that matter.

This weekend is gonna be big. I cannot wait for Sunday. I really can't.

Some see things as they are and ask why.
Others dream things that never were and ask why not.

***

2009-08-04T21:27:00.003+08:00

I cannot believe I fell so sick at this point of time. I have too much to do. I really have no time to rest. Oh God. Pls heal me asap. I HAVE TO get well soon. And I mean, like NOW. :(

I really miss my grandmother very very much.

Esp last Sat. It didn't feel the same without her, and it never would.

And it was decided.

It ends there.

***

2009-07-31T22:39:00.002+08:00

Time is gonna fly from now. I am quite sure.

When this year started, I told God, "Give me something definite." And he sure did.

Temper, is a terrible, terrible thing to have. Mine can be so vicious.

Fear kills.

Once again, I did it.

I guess, tomorrow, will decide this part of my life.

Somethings will just be over, if it has to be.

The Craving.

2009-07-30T01:43:00.003+08:00

Its 1.41am and I am suddenly craving for a cold can of Sprite.

Told my brother to buy and come since he is still out but he will be back around 4 or 5 am only. Arrrggggh! :(

Taming the Tongue

2009-07-26T21:23:00.001+08:00

"With the tongue we praise our Lord, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing."

James 3:9 & 10

It spoke to me. I hope it speaks to you too.

Perfection

2009-07-26T20:47:00.003+08:00

Lab theory test was over on Friday. And after the exam, everyone was discussing their chances of passing the paper...but I was at a corner worrying if I could get an A for it..

I am not sure if I actually like the perfectionist I have turned into. Yes its good in the sense that every outcome to each of my actions is, at the very least, way above average. And yes, it builds up my confidence tremendously. But, I have always been someone who appreciates what I get and not ask for more but just be satisfied with that. But now, I am not able to be such anymore. I actually end up feeling terribly disappointed and upset if things do not turn out PERFECT. Even though that disappointment drives me to strive for even better performance the next time, I am still not sure if it is actually a good or bad thing. Sometimes, I just feel that I am being too greedy. Or even annoying. But, I guess, having already failed in one major aspect of my life, I just have this immense need now, to be nothing but perfect in everything else.

The Stranger

2009-07-23T22:02:00.007+08:00

Its been years, and its amazing how you have always
kept to your word when you once told me,
"No matter what happens and where you are,
if you ever feel you have no one,
think of me and I will be there."
And indeed, you have been and you still are,
especially during times when I least expect it,
sincerely, without expecting anything in return.
Thank you.
I wish you a life filled with God's blessings and grace at all times.
Happy Birthday Froggie..
:)

Beware

2009-07-22T20:25:00.005+08:00

One good thing amidst all these tension, FYP presentation was finally over today and it was splendid. I dunno if its just Mr Ibrahim or that we were really good but he was so impressed with us that it all seemed so exaggerated at one time. He personally shook hands with each of us to congratulate us and even said he wants to display our proposal in some exhibition in the hope of having the study carried out in Singapore. HAHA. Can't imagine the Contact Research Organization of Singapore contacting us to get more details about our research proposal. And then lets say Singapore really benefits from our study and we earn lots of money and become so famous and our pictures are everywhere! HAHA. Ya no harm dreaming a bit right? :D

So ya, its really great I have everything piling up one after another at the moment. I have hardly any time for anything at times, I really wished there were more than 24 hours in a day. I really need the diversion of thoughts now anyway. I just have an immense need to be away from certain stuff right now. Pls forgive me.

H1N1 seems to be worsening. I wonder how attachment will be, esp at TTSH. And worst, its at this point of time that we are posted to A & E and OT. I actually love the tension and excitement and challenge involved in these postings and I really hope they are not gonna ban us from doing things due to H1N1. *sighz* But if it all goes well, I would seriously consider getting posted to either of these departments after graduation. Esp A & E. I have always been interested in a paramedic job. :)

If there is one lesson I have learnt the MOST in life, it would be to never ever depend on anyone for anything but to learn to stand on your own feet at all times. You never know when you can get stranded or abandoned by people you least expect it from. It takes only a split second for one to change to the total opposite. So, never ever trust completely. Always,

Beware.

Truth Does Hurt.

2009-07-19T17:21:00.004+08:00

I really wished I got at at least one little hint of it.

Just one tiny little hint would have been enough.

Comfort me with YOUR warmth whenever the truth hits me, hits me hard.

***

2009-07-16T22:52:00.004+08:00

I am guessing the next two to three months will be the toughest of all to endure. With all the presentations piling up, and exams coming, attachment right after that...and on top of all, to overcome the increasing exhaustion each day despite of all that.

I shall persevere and I will make it.

Final Year Project is finally completed. Just have the presentation to go and then its totally over. Such a relief. And then just 3 more presentations the following weeks for the other modules and all the projects will be done and over with. Can start to mug for exams all the way.

I used to be more than satisfied with just a pass. I really wonder why I had so little aims before. And I am actually quite irritated with the lack of academic motivation I had been having all these while. I could have done so much more better all along.

This time, its different. I want distinctions. For each and every of my modules. And I am NOT settling for anything lesser than that.

So anyways, I almost fainted when I measured my weight yest. I have officially never been this heavy before and never once thought I would ever weigh this much in my whole entire life. My god. This will be the worst part of all for me in these whole journey. Transforming into a ball! Eeeew. I cannot wait to go on some psychotic diet and exercise regime.

I realised very recently, that an acquaintance I have known for a long time actually shares a very special connection with me. I am talking about friendship here. And, if given a chance, that special bond we share could actually blossom into a very meaningful friendship. But, I gave it a pass. And then I realised, no matter how much of a daredevil I can be, this is something that has become a great fear to me now. To give new relationships a chance. Working on a relationship, of any sort, actually involves a lot of effort, time and sacrifices. And to realise one day that all that hard work had not only been futile but actually backfired to just cause you misery, it sucks big time and hurts a great deal. Which I guess is the reason why I don't dare to do it anymore.

And this is one of the reasons why I say, the pretense, has cost me just too much.

However, I still do believe that not everyone we meet in life is able to share a special connection with us that can actually lead to a very special relationship, and that, when we do meet such people, we should always treasure them.

God is Love

2009-07-09T23:20:00.002+08:00

God loves me just too much. :)

I only asked for a small sign to let me know you are here and that you are watching.

But you showed me yourself, by showing me the love many have for me, in just a day.

Thank you.

I will go on, and I will make it :)

***

2009-07-05T21:49:00.006+08:00

Today had been quite an eventful day. Too much in a day. I am so exhausted. But actually, I kinda liked today. Somewhat thrilling. Even the dramas. :)

Let whatever happen happen la. There is nothing I can do anyway. Think I just wanna sit back and watch. Its time I do that now rite? After all the slogging of facing everyone and everything all alone all these months. Such a relief all the necessary ones are finally settled. I am kinda tired and need a break. So ya, handle it yourself. Deny it all you want but its your part of the prob. All the best.

But seriously, I thought too little of him la. Not just me, but I think all my cousins finally knew the true meaning to "whiteman". Which we had actually made a joke out of, almost all our lives. But for the first time, we all had our mouths shut when he said it today. Scary boy.

In fact, people's reactions can be so so so unpredictable to certain issues. That's something that I have truly learnt in this whole saga.

Anyways, I am quite glad its finally back to sch tom. I didn't really like the free time after all. Too much time to think nonsense. Now its all busy busy busy! :)

And btw, just because a person is all cheerful, smiling, laughing and cracking jokes, does not mean they are all happy and 'worryless' deep inside. Sometimes, it might just mean, they simply don't wish to show out the weaker side of themselves. And sometimes, it may just mean, their smile actually creates a smile in others too. Wallowing in misery is not my thing right now. Even if I need to, I don't wish to, and even if I wish to, I cannot afford to.

Ashok seems to be quite excited to paint the room for me. He even has some designs already. Something about rainbows and nature. Haha.

Anyway, pre and I were waiting for the bus today morn, and there was this bangla staring at us continuously. I first gave him a stare. But he continued looking with a very fascinated look on his face. Then I got fed up, and knowing me, I was about to ask "what?!" when he opened his mouth and asked me, "You from singapuuur?Or you from china?"

I mean, seriously, CHINA??

I burst out laughing. I know my new hairstyle has created a vast difference on my look, but still, China??

So anw, lucky for him, he escaped my screaming, for those who had come tekka with me, will know :)

Truly the flock of God... :)

Guilt

2009-07-03T01:52:00.007+08:00

Guilt is something that can be so overwhelming. It is something that causes you tremendous ache. Guilt is what we feel when we think about the mistakes we have done that has cost another, something very precious. Its the feeling of responsibility for our wrongdoings.

Guilt, is something, I can never, ever, live with.

Having a silly tiff with mum and knowing that she has gone to bed without dinner because of me, can set me off crying with guilt the entire night. Yes, an issue as small as that, yet just as much painful as anything else guilt could possibly act upon. As much as I ponder over it each and every day, I cannot relate to how some can do it so easily with the much bigger issues. They commit a mistake, they know someone else is paying for it, they never get their punishment, and by that, I mean the appropriate punishment, and so yay, life goes on. And even if they do feel a pinch of guilt now and then, so what? Its so easy for them to choose to ignore it, bury it deep inside their hearts and move on.

And after much thinking, I realised, the reason why I cannot be like those people, is because every moment of my life after that, would be spent by dreading the day that will finally arrive when, I just cannot bury it anymore deeper. And what if that day comes and its too late to make it up? What happens then?

And that, is exactly why, I chose to face up to the consequences of my mistake, just so that I would not have cost another human, not to forget my own flesh and blood, something that could be so precious; their entire Life.

Some call it selfish. But trust me, no matter how tough it can be, the entire beauty of life is realised only when you are losing it.

Sometimes, when I think about the part where 'its too late', it scares me terribly. As much as I can hate someone who has caused me misery in some way or another, I cannot live with the fact that I had done nothing to set it all right till it was just too late. Or at least, lend them a helping hand when I could have, and not to mention, forgive them.

Of cos, no one knows the feeling of it till its really too late. But I cannot imagine taking the risk of feeling that ache of guilt for the rest of my life when the 'too late' finally happens.

Guilt is such a painful emotion to live with, even for a moment. It eats you up deep inside. It drives you insane. Literally.

But, amidst all the intense pain, one consolation would be, at the very least, it lets you know, you are still humane after all.

And as for you, when the day comes when you just cannot bury it anymore deeper, trust me, it will definitely be too late for you, cos, it already is.

***

2009-07-02T00:09:00.002+08:00

I finally had my mac and cheese pasta today, at swensen's! :D I had been wanting to have it so badly the past few weeks, that I actually went online to get a really good recipe to make it all by myself, only to find out that the oven in my house wasn't working!

I think its damn inappropriate to be friends with your ex's ex or even their current girlfriend. I mean, its just so weird cos somehow or rather, the topic will always lead to 'about Him'. And whether its good or bad, you just dun wanna hear certain things from her. And so ya, they are off-limits and a no-no to be friends with for me.

Anyway, with reference to my previous post, 'Manipulative Marys', they really can be so vicious. Thank God, I managed to rescue myself. Sadly, the other woman wasn't spared. I'm sorry.

You know, I am pretty sure I could have been any of those personalities at various points in my life. Any one of us could have been. But the important thing, is to realise it and stop it in time.

Sadly, neither have you ever realised it nor been able to stop it. I pray to God, you somehow find a way to redeem yourself soon. Not that it isn't already too late, but just before its too too too late. Cos, God forgives. You just, gotta ask. Sincerely.

Interesting

2009-07-01T23:58:00.006+08:00

I came across this in belle's blog and it was damn interesting so I thought I would share it here.

8 Toxic Personalities to Avoid

Although we like to think that the people in our lives are well-adjusted, happy, healthy minded individuals, we sometimes realize that it just isn't so. Personally, I've had moments where I'll be skipping through my day, happy as can be, thinking life is grand and BAM, I'll be blindsided by someone who manages to knock the happy wind out of my sails. Sometimes it is easy to write it off and other times, not so much.

Maybe you are a positive person, but when you are around a certain individual, you feel negative. Or, maybe you have an idealistic view of the world and when you are with certain people, you are made to feel silly, unrealistic or delusional. Or, maybe you pride yourself in being completely independent and in control of your life, but when you are around a certain family member, you regress into a state of childhood.

Some of these situations, and yes, these people, can have a tremendously negative impact on our lives. And, although we are all human and have our 'issues,' some 'issues' are quite frankly, toxic. They are toxic to our happiness. They are toxic to our mental outlook. They are toxic to our self-esteem. And they are toxic to our lives. They can suck the life out of us and even shorten our lifespan.

Here are the worst of the toxic personalities out there and how to spot them:
1. Manipulative Mary: These individuals are experts at manipulation tactics. Is a matter of fact, you may not even realize you have been manipulated until it is too late. These individuals figure out what your 'buttons' are, and push them to get what they want.

Why they are toxic: These people have a way of eating away at your belief system and self-esteem. They find ways to make you do things that you don't necessarily want to do and before you know it, you lose your sense of identity, your personal priorities and your ability to see the reality of the situation. The world all of a sudden becomes centered around their needs and their priorities.

2. Narcissistic Nancy: These people have an extreme sense of self-importance and believe that the world revolves around them. They are often not as sly as the Manipulative Marys of the world, but instead, tend to be a bit overt about getting their needs met. You often want to say to them "It isn't always about you."

Why they are toxic: They are solely focused on their needs, leaving your needs in the dust. You are left disappointed and unfulfilled. Further, they zap your energy by getting you to focus so much on them, that you have nothing left for yourself.

3. Debbie Downers: These people can't appreciate the positive in life. If you tell them that it is a beautiful day, they will tell you about the impending dreary forecast. If you tell them you aced a mid-term, they'll tell you about how difficult the final is going to be.

Why they are toxic: They take the joy out of everything. Your rosy outlook on life continues to get squashed with negativity. Before you know it, their negativity consumes you and you start looking at things with gray colored glasses yourself.

4. Judgmental Jims: When you see things as cute and quirky, they see things as strange and unattractive. If you find people's unique perspectives refreshing, they find them 'wrong'. If you like someone's eclectic taste, they find it 'disturbing' or 'bad'.

Why they are toxic: Judgmental people are much like Debbie Downers. In a world where freedom rings, judgment is sooo over. If the world was a homogeneous place, life would be pretty boring. Spending a lot of time with these types can inadvertently convert you into a judgmental person as well.

5. Dream Killing Keiths: Every time you have an idea, these people tell you why you can't do it. As you achieve, they try to pull you down. As you dream, they are the first to tell you it is impossible.

Why they are toxic: These people are stuck in what is instead of what could be. Further, these individuals eat away at your self-esteem and your belief in yourself. Progress and change can only occur from doing new things and innovating, dreaming the impossible and reaching for the stars.

6. Insincere Illissas: You never quite feel that these people are being sincere. You tell a funny story, they give you a polite laugh. You feel depressed and sad and they give you a 'there, there' type response. You tell them you are excited about something and you get a very ho-hum response.

Why they are toxic: People who aren't sincere or genuine build relationships on superficial criteria. This breeds shallow, meaningless relationships. When you are really in need of a friend, they won't be there. When you really need constructive criticism, they would rather tell you that you are great the way you are. When you need support, they would rather see you fail or make a fool of yourself.

7. Disrespectful Dannys: These people will say or do things at the most inappropriate times and in the most inappropriate ways. In essence, they are more subtle, grown up bullies. Maybe this person is a friend who you confided in and uses your secret against you. Maybe it is a family member who puts their busy-body nose into your affairs when it is none of their business. Or maybe, it is a colleague who says demeaning things to you.

Why they are toxic: These people have no sense of boundaries and don't respect your feelings or, for that matter, your privacy. These people will cause you to feel frustrated and disrespected.

8. Never Enough Nellies: You can never give enough to these people to make them happy. They take you for granted and have unrealistic expectations of you. They find ways to continually fault you and never take responsibility for anything themselves.

Why they are toxic: You will spend so much time trying to please them, that you will end up losing yourself in the process. They will require all of your time and energy, leaving you worn out and your own needs sacrificed.

All of these personalities have several things in common. 1) the more these people get away with their behavior, the more they will continue. 2) Unfortunately, most of these people don't see that what they do is wrong and as a result, talking to them about it will fall on deaf ears, leaving you wondering if you are the crazy one. 3) Most of these people get worse with age, making their impact on you stronger with time.

***

2009-06-29T21:54:00.004+08:00

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Aches at the tip of my throat.

Oh God, please, hold me really close to you right now.

***

2009-06-29T14:23:00.006+08:00

I tried my best not to lose the little bit of respect I had for you, but you did not make it any easy for me.

Anyways, I was thinking of going away somewhere for a few days. But I have dropped that idea now since its obviously not the safest time to travel anywhere and I cannot take any risks now either. :)

So, I thought I will use some of that money to do something about my hair. Since, I am getting fat everywhere else, looks like my hair is my only redeemer now. Haiyz.

Need to start studying for exams. I so wanna slog. Just to keep my mind occupied. Cos as much as I need to, I am still not able to face it. I rather have the now and then break-outs. Soon, I will be all busy anyway.

I had a very random thought the other day. I was thinking, one thing that I miss the most about Vicky, would be his awesome ways of surprising me. I don't think anyone can beat him to that. Haha. :)

Anyways, I WANT to do my Bachelor of Nursing. I will. Sooner or later, but I will. :)

YAY!

2009-06-24T23:17:00.003+08:00

I have no school next week!Its shut down due to H1N1!YAY!Holidays extended! :D

Ok I still have the projects to be done...But still. :)

The gathering was really nice. Everyone was so welcoming and supportive and just happy.. Nice :)

I didn't like the taxi driver just now. When I was telling him the directions to my house, he looked so astonished and was giving me replies like, "Huh?Here ah?!" I mean, come on, is it that bad??

And then when I reached my place and was passing him the cash, he asked me, "Are you want receipt?"

I nearly burst out in laughter.

***

2009-06-23T18:24:00.007+08:00

So, I was clearing up my books and I came across the diary I wrote when I was about 11 years old. My, I really sounded like some psycho kid. And the effects of all that, is what I am today, both the good and bad.

It appalls me to see how casual parenting is to some. I mean, the job is not over just by giving birth to them, giving them food to eat, clothes to wear and a shelter to stay in. There is much more to it than just those basics. Its about being good role models. Its about giving warmth. Its about making them feel protected at all times. Its about them being able to count on you. Its about having huge successful dreams for them and helping them at every stage to make sure they fulfill those dreams. Its about being there. Its about showing that you care, AT ALL TIMES. Its about doing every single thing you can to make them happy.

I realised today, two things that make me smile instantly, is seeing an old elderly couple holding hands and walking together and parents and children playing games and laughing together.

Then I realised, these are two values that means the most to me in life. Ever-lasting love and a happy family.

And so I wonder, why then am I in this situation, that portrays neither of these values.

My fault? I can only do this much.

At least, give me a justified reason.

Anyways, ever since I stopped drinking, not only have I been able to sit back and watch but also analyze the process of alcohol slowly working its way into my friends' systems and the drama that follows. My, it can totally change one to the total opposite. Like the quiet ones become so noisy, the sturdy and smart ones acting downright silly, the shy ones actually become the ones who throw in dares, the stone-hearted ones actually being nice for once and the egoistic ones actually breaking down and apologising for almost everything...Hmm...Amazing.

But are they just plain effects of alcohol? Or us subconsciously knowing that alcohol has become an acceptable reason for us to show out those suppressed emotions we may actually be dying to show out during the usual times and not been able to do so due to various reasons?

Cos, I was wondering, if its JUST plain effects of alcohol, shouldn't the effects be the same for everyone and not vary according to one's personality?Hmmm.

Anyways, I decided, the next time I start to drink again, I am gonna have white wine only. My dear table members, pls note it. :)

Something very sweet happened today.

When mum and I went to the market the other day,think about 2 weeks ago, I was looking high and low for the Shishamo fish I had been wanting to try for months. But it was so difficult to get. Hunted around all the japanese stalls and markets but they were always sold out. So I eventually gave up and forgot all about it.

And today...my mother came back home with the fish! :D She said she got it at the the japanese market near her workplace. I didn't even know that she knew I wanted it. She only heard me asking all the fishmongers that day at the market. Thats all. She noticed. And she remembered. :)

And the week is coming to an end soon. Time really really flies. :(

I am thirsty for patience and endurance. God, give me more of them. I need.

And little one, you are not just the flock of God, you are a wake up call to the meaning of life. And, I cannot wait for you to arrive. :)

உன்னை தென்றல் தீண்டவும் விட மாட்டேன்
அந்த திங்கள் தீண்டவும் விட மாட்டேன்
உன்னை வேறு கைகளில் தர மாட்டேன்
நான் தர மாட்டேன்...
நான் தர மாட்டேன்...

கண்ட பின்னே...உன்னிடத்தில்...என்னை விட்டு...வீடு வந்தேன்...

And if you still remember, this is why I always said "if we" and not "when we"...

YET.

2009-06-19T19:51:00.001+08:00

I still do.

:) :) :)

2009-06-17T23:22:00.002+08:00

Ooooookkkkkkaaaaaayyyyyyy! :)

So everything is pretty much settled. Sooner than I thought it will. Many good, no actually, great things have happened, things I never expected. :)

And for those unsettled stuff, it doesn't matter anymore. It will be taken care of just fine when the time comes. I am sure. :)

The preparations are going fine. The room is pretty much ready. Just need to settle the painting, and later, buy the necessary stuff. I have a few designs on hand. Got to decide on which and the cost of it. And I have already drawn out the list of things to get. Budget looks alright. Everything seems to be falling into place. :)

I realised this will really be my last last last relaxation. I doubt I will be getting such a long break anytime soon. And by anytime soon, I mean, almost a life-time. And no, I am not exaggerating, I swear. Its a short holiday, but its gonna be the longest in a long time. So, I am gonna use every minute of this to just relax and be lazy and slack for all I want for one last time! :)

And then, I will get prepared for a lifetime of responsibility and work. :)

I got the name. It means, "the flock of God" :)

All I need right now, is one last good cry out session, and then I am good to go.

I had the will. Thank you so much for the ways.

***

2009-06-15T18:54:00.003+08:00

Good Fathers?

They are the ones who come looking for us when we can't find our way.
They are ones who are missed terribly when everything falls apart in the household.
They are the ones who love us long before we even arrive.
And the best, are the ones who make the woman in their lives, feel like a good mother.

You aren't alone in this. I am with you. I will understand.

***

2009-06-09T12:53:00.002+08:00

I was just about to type a happy blog, and then I received a bad news. And now I just feel like breaking down. Can it get any worst?

Oh well, yes it can. It can get alot more worse. I have to hang in there.

So amidst all these shit, I am still gonna put on a smile and stay happy.

All for you.

Told you. You never listened.

2009-05-31T16:29:00.001+08:00

Rot in hell for all I care. You deserve it big time.

And.

2009-05-30T10:03:00.001+08:00

This is why, I can never find perfection anywhere else anymore.

God, you are truly amazing.

Imperfection

2009-05-30T02:44:00.002+08:00

I am so angry. I dunno with myself, or with whom. And this nagging feeling started since last night.

This wasn't how it was suppose to be.

The food was great. The company was nice. The atmosphere was sweet. Everything seemed perfect.

But, there I was, sitting there, with just one thing and one person on my mind the whole time.

And that, made everything, imperfect.

This is it. I am trying no more. This, HAS TO, wait. This isn't the time for it.

Dear God,
Only you know how I am feeling and what I am feeling.
You know all of my needs and wants.
Pls take care of them.
Make me feel better.
Help me to be in the right path always.
I need you beside me right now.
Love you.

***

2009-05-27T03:00:00.006+08:00

Omg omg omg. The weekend. It was just too much. But really really really nice. Haha. It was all wrong and wrong and wrong, but ya who cares, it was nice! HAHA.

I find it so hard to have any sort of relationship with anyone I am not able to converse with. You know, there are just some people you really cannot find anything to talk about? You just don click. Its quite sad esp when you want to hit it well with that person.

And on the other hand, when you actually can click so well with someone, and yet, know that its not gonna last for long or go anywher great or far.

Oh well. We meet all sorts of people in life.

So ya, the last presentation was great. My lecturer came personally to us and said we got an A!:)

My god. I am in such a daze. I have to stop this. I swear I so feel like a paedophile. And as much as I like it, I actually don't too.

So ya. The beach for Sharl, and then thats it. Hmmm.

***

2009-05-20T23:45:00.004+08:00

Its all just too good to be true. :)

This was a tough week. Tue was exam. Both Wed & Thurs presentation. Haiyz! Am so tired... But so far so good. I passed! And the presentation was good! One more to go tom. All prepared. Just want it to be over.

Its really so awkward to laugh out when you are all alone but at the same time, so hard to control at times. And it happened to me twice this week. One was when I was in the bus and was watching the stupid trick show they have on TV mobile..Gags for Laugh I think...and it was really so funny and hard not to laugh out, but I was all alone! And then in sch lib! Was all alone and was talking to Prakash in msn and omg, he is really damn funny. Hard not to laugh out loud also! I have been having a good laugh over the past few days thanks to him. He says the 'silliest' things and yet, it can make you feel so much better and make your problems sound much smaller. Thank you! :)

I saw a flying cockroach in my house again. I act like a silly cow when in comes to cockroaches. On 27th Sept last year was the day I blogged about the flying cockroach then. The day everything began to change. I couldn't sleep because of that creature, stayed up, facebooked and chatted. It started there. Blame the cockroach.

The memories struck me, and they struck me hard the past few days. The building of the lifts, the bubble tea at pungol plaza, the names of ang mo... I smiled first. Then I teared. The good ones haunt me. The bad ones keep me going. So should I keep them, or should I just erase them all?

Oh well.

Everyone is excited for my 'next one'... I still think its what I think it is..You all gonna be wrong! We will know! *JUNE 11TH* ;)

This song is just so great. I can go on listening to it forever. Hmm.

I have learnt so much about myself. This is who I really am. This is who I want to be at all times. What you thought and was so sure I was, is actually not who I am. I have realised. You will realise soon.

The Mother

2009-05-18T09:24:00.007+08:00

Sometimes, we say and do things that hurt so much. And sometimes, we don't even realise how much they hurt till we are put in the same situation.

Today, when I think back about all the hurting things I have said to you, I can truly understand how much of pain I would have caused you. If only I could go back and take away all those pain. Today, I have been put in a situation where I can truly understand how I have made you feel on many different occasions. Especially the times I have been a total disappointment and nothing else. Nevertheless, you always made it a point to be there when I needed you the most. You never turned me away. Even when I pushed you away many a times, you never gave up on me. You were always there to rescue me from whatever situation I got myself into, even if it was because I refused to heed your advice. I never understood that love. Not till today. Cos, today, I am able to know how strong that love is. So strong, that I know, you will be willing to do anything for me to be happy.

Many ask me where I get this strength from. After much thinking, I realised, I got it from you. This confidence I have, I got it from you. Cos you made it. You made it despite of all the obstacles. It wasn't easy but, you made it. And you didn't just make it, but you made it great. Today, I believe I will make it, simply because, you made it.

I want to let you know, that I am sorry for every pain I have caused you and that I am truly grateful that you have always been there.

I love you very very much.

And I am proud to say, you are my Mother.

The lasts.

2009-05-14T16:47:00.003+08:00

So, I had my last one last night. And it was great. I really had a wonderful time. I cannot remember when was the last time I laughed so hard. Thanks to Prakash. :)

And, Ian, who has an eyebrow piercing, is doing medicine. Hmph. So, we had something common to talk about. Hospitals! So, he was learning about surgery in school. And I coincidentally, I was doing peri-op care too. So we were discussing that, and yes, in the club! HAHA. So anyways, he said," Surgery is damn slack. Nothing to do." And I was like, "Umm aren't you all suppose to be like damn uptight making sure u don't cut the wrong hand and don't leave anything behind in the body and don't cause any infection.........?" Then he was like, "no...the nurses make sure of all that..........!" Ass!

So ya, thats the last. Thank you pamster! :)

I am glad things are better now. Your call meant so much. I missed you. I really did. I hope we can go back to where we were once. :)

Hmmm....So we decided to give Fabian up... So sad..But have to.. We made the decision over dinner the day before. And then none of us could even eat... Hmmm. Got to find really good owners.. :(

Stop being a torture. I said go away. Far away.

Everything is so fine and well now. Yay. :)

***

2009-05-11T11:07:00.006+08:00

I realised today, if I didn't get this, I wouldn't know how worth it is to have a need to be good and right in life. And, I would have continued going no where in life. Hmmm.

Sat was good. But I am glad I don't enjoy it in that much of a crazy way anymore. Cos that means, I won't miss it that much either. I am relieved.

I have been very prone to making weak decisions in life. Decisions that I don't stick to or fall back from very easily. But, I know for a fact that its different this time. I know that I have just made a string of decisions, I will stay committed to forever. I know it.

Actually, I feel quite alright now. Especially since I have made that strong decision to get over that painful part.. Everything feels quite relaxed now, with all the support I am getting. So ya. Lets just wait for the next hurdle to come along. I am guessing it won't be long.

It hit me last sat, for the first time, on how different my life would be now if I hadn't made the decision I made. AND. I do not regret it. I really don't. Cos I know that it will be different only in a way that is worse off. I would rather let go of all that than this. Its just more harder, and more painful to do otherwise. And this, is much more worth the sacrifice. :)

So ya, I am relieved. Its not gonna be that regretful like how some claim its gonna be.

I also realised, its really quite easy to move on. It just depends on how much you want to and in what way you want to. And as for me, I just don't want it in that way right now. That can still wait. It has to.

So yeah, sorry about it, hope you get the point.

:)

An End To You

2009-05-06T15:45:00.010+08:00

After a long time, I feel that immense pain once again.

Now when I think about it, that 'happy phase' I had, is not all that worth. Especially with all these pain, that will last a life time.

I do not want that to happen. I really don't. I will do whatever I can to prevent it. My heart aches so much when I think about it happening. But what can I do?How is that in my hands?I have done everything I can to find a way out for just this one thing. But there is really nothing anymore that I can think of doing.

Oh God. Pls show me a way in this too, like how you have been showing in everything else. I am sure you have a plan for this. And I shall just wait patiently for it to take place. And I have told myself, till then, I will not regret or worry about this anymore. I am leaving it to YOU.

Every thought I have, every decision I make, does not concern just myself anymore.

Someone told me that the instincts are quite strong at this point of time.

And my instincts tell me that you are of no good for me. My instincts tell me that having anything more to do with you is not God's plan for me.

You are just a mess. As I told you, God gave you so many situations to learn from, to reform, even the most extreme situation like before this, like now. But sadly, you still haven't. You still chose to go on being a mess. I would love to be there to help you in one way or another, I really would, you know it. But that is, only if you have learnt and do not wish to repeat your mistakes anymore. But, nope, there is no changes in you. I cannot afford to allow myself get hurt in your mess anymore. I do not wish to be part of your mess anymore.

And so.

I have decided to stop it. Its not going anywhere. Its not being of any use. Its only bringing pain, and more pain and nothing else but just pain. I don't wish to be weak in this anymore. I have to be strong. I need to be strong. Its hard. Very hard. But let it be a test for me. For my self-control. I will eventually pass. I know I will.

And so.

I am putting an end to you. Go away. Far far away from me.

Its the weekend.

I have SO MANY plans that I have to squeeze everything here and there!But its gonna be fun I am guessing. :) But of cos, there is still work to do also. Oh well.

I miss the bestie. I am sorry. Its my situation. I really do miss the crazy times. I am just sorry it isn't the same anymore.

Dad is cooking today! Haha. And I have a lift back home YAY.

"It's just never the same when you really don't have a parent." - Pamster's blog

***

2009-05-06T15:45:00.004+08:00

"What is a father?
A father is a 24-hour person- someone who is there.
He's there not just to say "Hi" and "Goodbye,"
but to teach his child.
It's a little more than supporting a child
and
spreading himself into the kid."

***

2009-05-04T17:00:00.004+08:00

Continue doing this. It will remind me never to regret hating you.

:)

***

2009-05-03T02:56:00.003+08:00

Its 3am. Its raining heavily. Its windy and cold...It feels nice.

The chalet was cancelled due to the flu, so there was a bbq instead. Nice food and the b'day cake was really really good!!!Yummy!And the peepz there were quite hilarious...HAHA.

And then some lovely meet ups with the dearest..."Code 75!" :) :)

Not sleepy yet...Sharan went to the shop..Gotto wait for him to be back...So decided to blog...

Dad told me today, "You are not alone anymore."

Its the first time he spoke to me about it. And I sensed acceptance and concern.

I am so happy and excited for afternoon. I am gonna see Delishaa! The whole family is going to Jurong East Swimming pool! :) YAY!

So, I will be going back home very soon. So will Sharan. Uncles leaves early in the morning and comes back late at night. Dad comes back very seldom. Soon, this house will be so empty. I wonder if any of us can bear to see that. I can't. Then again, I guess I cannot be around to see it or do anything about it either. Hmmm.

Ok now I am dozing off. Hurry come baaccckkk...!Haiyz..

***

2009-05-02T15:06:00.004+08:00

I am still at hougang. I haven't gone back. I was suppose to go back last week. Then last Wed. Then on Fri. And now, its gonna be tom. I dunno. I don't feel like going back. Somehow, it feels nice here. Even though she isn't around anymore, somehow, it still feels like a home. I miss her. And I know, when I do go back, it will be time to face all the negativity again. Not that I don't get any now. It just hurts more when it comes from people I need, to be there for me. Oh well.

Sometimes, I really wonder where I am getting all these strength from. Yes, like what some say, it is amazing. I can't believe it myself. I question myself often to see if its really strength or am I being in denial. Then I realise, I do cry here and there. So, it can't be denial right?

It feels good, really good, when I hear someone say, "My god, you have changed so much, for the better."

So what if you have such great talents? So what if you are so popular? So what if everyone likes you for something you know deep inside you that you aren't really that? You can cheat the world, every single one of them out there, but you can't cheat yourself, not for long at least. I am sure, if not for now, at least, one day, all these lies and the mask you are wearing, will haunt you terribly and kill you deep inside every single day of your life. And by then, it will be too late. You cannot change time. You cannot go back. Treasure the chances you get today. To be a good person. If not for anyone you owe a responsibility to, at least for your own self.

I have never done so much of work in such a short period of time ever in my life. My time is just nice to do all the work for the day and to rest after that. Nish is forcing me to go out tonight..Follow her for a chalet.. :) She said, its now or never!And its been ages since I went out... But I gotta finish my work first!Haiyz! I am sorry to my dearest friends, who have been missing me alot...I will talk to u guys very soon k! :)

***

2009-04-24T14:40:00.003+08:00

Today is my grandmother's birthday. Happy Birthday...Miss you lots... :(

I suddenly had this intense urge to blog. I feel like saying alot. Saying so much. But, somehow, I am not able to find any words for them all.

Here I am, sitting down all alone, thinking and thinking, and still thinking about how drastically my life has changed the past few months. Everything happened so fast. Too much in too short a time. And most surprisingly, I managed to handle them all.

Come to think of it, almost everything has settled in more or less. Everything, except for ONE. But that ONE, I really don't care anymore. Till a few weeks ago, I cared. Very much that it affected me so much. I spent countless of time thinking, wondering and crying about it. Dying to manage that ONE somehow. But, it came to a point where I gave up. I am not gonna put in anymore effort in that ONE anymore. You wanted this, I am giving it to you. Its just, simply, futile.

So, as I was saying, everything is pretty much settled in. Almost everything fell in place nicely. Almost every problem was dealt with in its own way. Things seemed to work out fine and well for me suddenly.

So why am I still unhappy? Why do I keep having a nagging feeling deep in my heart? Why am I not feeling 100% glad and relieved each time something falls in place? Why am I still blanking out and wondering about what I can't even remember the next second?

Because, the fact is, no one, no one at all wanted it to be this way. Not me, not anyone I know and not even those I don't know. And the fact is, as much as I want to do this, and try to be as much prepared as I can be, be ready for anything and everything at all, do all my research and homework and find out what I am really in for, the truth is, deep down inside, I am truly scared. I am trembling. I am afraid to face it, especially to face it all alone. Afraid to accept the truth that if a day comes where I am all helpless, I may not have anyone or anywhere to turn to. I am scared.

I am sure of my decision. 100% sure and positive. I do have plans. I do have a way out for every problem I may encounter.

But, that doesn't make it all happy and merry. Not yet at least. The nagging feeling of 'if only I prevented this whole mess' , will never leave me. And the fear and phobia on many things that followed it, will definitely last for a long long time. And that's just sad.

I am tired. But I stop myself from feeling it or saying it out each time I want to. Because, I know for a fact, that, I am not gonna stop feeling tired for a long long long time from now. And, I do know how long it is. Its just the beginning. I know.

Its takes two to clap. Somehow, sometimes, only one hand feels more pain and bears it all alone. You cannot chop off the hand because of pain. It will only cause more pain. You have to bear the pain, nurse it, deal with it and just wait for it to heal.

I feel so much. But I can only say this much.

The rest is all just, thoughts & tears.

...and if only, you were still able to read them...if only...

A Story: Peter & Sally

2009-03-02T15:38:00.005+08:00

Peter and Sally meet. Peter liked Sally. And Sally liked Peter too. They felt happy together. One day, Peter decides to bring Sally to the woods to look around. Sally felt scared. The woods was huge. It was raining and was very cold. Sally thought she might get lost. Sally didn't like losing her way as she had gotten lost many times before and had a hard time getting home. Peter told her, "Don't worry. I am here. I will not let you lose your way. I will guide you. You will be perfectly fine with me around. Trust me." And with those words, Sally's fears vanished in an instant. She placed complete trust in Peter, took his hand and walked on happily and confidently, for she felt that Peter would always be there by her side and so, she will never get lost again. Suddenly, Peter got a call from home. A tragedy had taken place and Peter was to get home immediately to see to it. And he told Sally,"I gotta go. Please manage yourself from here. I need to rush home." Sally begged him to not go and bring her back home safely first. But Peter just started to walk away. Peter felt bad, but all he could think of was his tragedy and so, he still left, hoping that Sally would be fine and would find her way on her own. Sally cried out to him to not go till he was out of sight. But Peter never turned back. Sally looked around her. She didn't know where she was or how she got so far or how to go from here. Sally felt very cold. Sally started crying, feeling helpless, for she realised that, once again, she has gotten lost. No one came to her rescue. Not even Peter, who promised to be her side always. Sally walked and walked all around trying to find her way. But she never managed to. In her heart, she had a tiny hope Peter will realise her misery and will come back for her. But there was no sight of Peter at all. Time passed and passed and passed but neither was there Peter, nor a way out. Eventually, Sally got very exhausted and dropped on the ground.

Peter did come back. But after a very very long time when it was too late, as he searched all over and could not find Sally at all. What happened to Sally, its unknown. She either died out of starvation and cold, or someone else might have come to take her home. Peter was not there when Sally needed him the most. Peter never saw Sally ever again.

THE END.

Thoughts of Solitary

2009-03-01T21:05:00.005+08:00

Its raining. I am home all alone. It feels so cold. I am wearing what I feel most happy wearing. Its feels nice.

I did something that I never did before today. It was so scary.

Does being a nurse mean you have to be strong at heart at all times? I don't think so. We do feel weak too, many a times, as much as anyone at all would. But I guess we just still do it cos we have to and we want to. Its a profession.

I am frustrated.

Sometimes, I wished I didn't grow up too fast. Sometimes, I wished I didn't have to face some things that other kids at that age would not have faced. Exposure gives experience and that, in a way gives strength. But sometimes I wonder if I would have been better off without that strength. Maybe. I wanna apologise to my parents for growing up too fast. They lost the kid in me too soon. I wonder if that had affected them a great deal. I am sorry.

But then again, some people say I am still a kid. Just, not the same kinda kid to my parents I guess.

My thoughts process is way too fast and way too good compared to my words process. There are always millions of things that would run in my mind but I just would not be able to put them into words. Which is a very bad thing as I always end up keeping quiet at times when I am needed to speak. I wished I had someone who could just read my mind and know what I feel.

I had an eventful weekend :)

Not a very happy one today though. It was a funeral. But it was still.....

I suddenly feel an immense need to apologise to certain people. But now that I want to, I don't seem to have the chance to do so. Thats why, expressing love and apologies should be done then and there, or you may never get the chance to ever do it, and that might just make you live in regret forever.

Temptation and I should NEVER be put together. Cos we both can be so noty when come together ;)

I realised, I would never do anything that I am not happy about, unless its a sacrifice for a loved one. Then again, if thats the case, I would probably think about my loved one and do it happily. So yeah, which means, I would NEVER do anything that I am not happy about doing it.

I AM extremely stubborn. I know it. Deal with it pls. Thanks.

"I don't just not want the apple juice anymore, I don't want the apple itself ever. Cos apples make me unhappy, and so, I am sure I can do without it, forever." ;)

Whats wrong with me. I seem to be saying lots of nonsense ah. Ok, so I am gonna sleep now :)

அந்த ஒரு சொல்லில்,
நான் உயிர் வாழ்வேன்...

Come, be my solace pls...

Its time to go home.Alone :)

2009-02-28T15:22:00.007+08:00

Our lives can change drastically in just a flash. It can be due to circumstances. It can be due to decisions.

For me, it was circumstances first.

And now, its gonna be a decision.

Yes, I have decided.

I am very tired. I have lost my directions. I longed for someone to just take me by my hand and guide me home. I longed to feel the warmth of someone's hand and heart to melt the frozen me. I waited. I looked around. And now, even that has exhausted me.

And so, I have decided, if I can't get you to guide me home anymore, nevermind. I will find my way home somehow alone, or, I will just make a new home on my own.

And so, You are freed. As you liked. :)

Maybe its because of yest. Maybe its because of last night. Maybe, it is because of how it has been all these while. Whatever it is, its what I have decided that matters and that I stick to it.

Btw, Dad's birthday bash has been cancelled. A relative passed away :(

This weekend is nice. Infact, this SATURDAY is nice. I didn't expect it to be. Its been long since I said that :)

And!Its gonna rain!YAY!I like.

:)

I like this song. LISTEN.

!@#$%

2009-02-25T21:28:00.002+08:00

Fuck la.

I just felt like saying it.

I broke the record. I haven't made a single outgoing call with my handphone for more than a week. Me, who everyone says am on the phone almost 24/7. In fact, I haven't charged my phone for days and the batt is still lasting. Hmmm.

Pls make the nightmares go away. It really scares me. I woke up just now and realised that my whole face was wet from crying in my dream. It was really a terrible nightmare. And it isn't the first time. Haiyz.

I don't deny the fact that I have got alot of arrogance and pride in me. Well, at least its better than doing things you don't want to do and sucking up to people and let them walk all over you. I would rather show you that I can do without your help if you aren't interested. So, yeah, this is what I am. Deal with it, or just, get lost if you can't. And trust me, according to my 'many-years' friends, I use to be more bitchier.

'Advance Chondrosarcoma'. Its such a horrible cancer. Cos, in this disease, the tumor is actually visible as it grows on your bones, tissues and eventually spreads to your skin and all over. Cancers are so bad. Really bad. :(

Nails gone :)

2009-02-23T18:34:00.004+08:00

My fingers are back to looking like how they did before.

And I used the scissors to cut my nails.

Yes, I really did.

And, this is just the beginning. Looks like there is more to come.

:)

Btw, I cant believe what I have been doing for the past 3 days, but, yeah, I like it and and at least, it helps to take my mind off. But definitely, there isn't gonna be ANY destination for this ok. Lets just enjoy the fun while you are there.

:)

I am sick of this facade. I really am. Can I pls get rid of it? Could someone pls help me take it off?

Could you do it pls?

காதல் இருந்தால் எந்தன் கண்ணோடு கலந்து விடு
காலம் தடுத்தால் என்னை மண்ணோடு கலந்து விடு

முதலா...
முடிவா...
அதை உன் கையில் கொடுத்துவிட்டேன்

I love this song...My god...

Broke!

2009-02-22T18:51:00.001+08:00

I WANT MONEY!

:(

Just.

2009-02-21T17:12:00.004+08:00

Let me start from the beginning.

Yest's was a painful paper...I think I almost dropped dead on the table itself...I was so weak to even write properly.But, u know what's the best part?I thought the paper was quite easy. In fact, looking at all the papers this sem, I know I could have easily done really well. If only I had full concentration and hard work from the beggining. Oh well, sadly, once again, all I am hoping for this time is a pass. Pls god.

Usually, after the last exam, we will jump for joy and make sure its time to freak out. Looks like those feelings of mine have gone missing for now. I did not feel any happiness as I was walking out of the hall of my last paper. I wonder why. :(

So anyway, the bbq was indeed a blast. But, I really dunno why we thought of ourselves as so greedy cos there were really alot alot of food we couldn't finish, and we actually thought the food won't be enough!

Just my luck, the bbq pit we booked had to be right next to the 'lighthouse'. Haiyz.

Debra was very sweet. I suddenly had some allergy rashes on my arms, and she applied vaseline and then helped me spray the insect repellent...I wonder why I got those rashes suddenly. I hope I am not allergic to any food all of a sudden!

So I got a rather sweet surprise when I reached back home in the morning. Hmm. A surprise, I think, more or less. Then again, who knows whats in store for me. I don't wish to predict anymore. But, ya, thanks. Atleast, it would help me go on for the next few weeks. I think.

I realised, this month, would be exactly a year since I made a proper decision to get rid of a mess in my life. Well, I am glad he is doing fine now. In fact, I am quite proud that he managed to stick to his goals all along. I really did not expect him too. But, I thought he would have moved on...I really did. Haiyz.

So, exactly a week more to Dad's birthday bash!And I still haven't thought of what I am gonna do. Bro is gonna sing, other cousins are dancing...And I still dunno :( And I dunno what to wear either!

Haiyz.

"...In bed I lay, with nothing but your t-shirt on..."